Waiting For the Proper Time

From 24 Hours a Day, June 26: “There is a proper time for everything. I must learn not to do things at the wrong time, that is, before I am ready or before conditions are right”.

So how am I supposed to learn this? I am an impulsive, compulsive person- always jumping in and saying or doing what I later feel is “the wrong thing”. Well, sometimes, it might actually be the right thing, but at the wrong time. I can remember many instances where I just jumped in and said or did something, and then it backfired.

Some of those things might have been quite effective had I waited a bit before acting. In fact, I might have had a chance to think some more instead of just reacting and flying into action, and then I might have behaved quite differently.

Hmmm. So what can help me here? How can I learn restraint- which is basically what we are referring to. Think of the marathon runner who begins a race before warming up, or before training enough. Will he finish among the first guys? Not much chance.

So what helps? Sitting with what is, and turning to my Higher Power to ask for guidance, and to ask for help. I think the impulsiveness has to do with not being able to wait for a change, or else, with not being able to stand things as they are.

Lately I’ve been doing this- on long drives in my car, I’ve been taking the time to talk to my Higher Power instead of my telephone (or instead of listening to my cd’s, mp3’s or the radio) I’ve been taking the time to say what’s on my mind and in my heart- to share with my Higher Power, Who is my friend, my Father, my guide. I simply tell Him what’s been happening and ask for His help. Sometimes I just want to fill Him in on my life. Oh yes, of course, He already knows this, but I’ve learned through Torah sources that He wants to hear it directly from Me.

If you would have told me years ago that I’d be doing something like that, I think I would have laughed at you- or maybe at the picture of me doing this. But you know what? It’s no laughing matter. It’s probably the sanest thing I’ve done in a long time.

Taking the time and space to connect like this before reacting to life is the way that I can teach myself to wait until conditions are right, or till I am ready to act. It’s the way to teach myself to act, not to react. It’s the way I can practice just “being” with the situation, no matter how uncomfortable or urgent it seems, without having to respond or fly ahead into something I’ll be sorry for later.

So, like everything else in my life, taking the time, and using my inner wisdom to connect with my Creator, and listen to the way He is guiding me, will help me get my life in order, my act together. King Solomon said it a long time ago. There is a time for everything. Today I pray that I will have the patience to wait until He lets me know that it’s that right time, instead of impulsively jumping into waters that are too hot, or even too cold for me….or before I’ve even put my swimsuit on.

But the secret is, even in this “waiting”, I am not alone. I am being led.

No Small Stuff

From Keep Sobriety, Find Serenity, June 19: “Some say- Don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff; A better guide is- “You may not be able to stop the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you don’t have to let them next in your hair”.

Yeah- I like that- life is often pretty difficult, and it’s a lie to say it isn’t. It’s a lie to say- “nah, that was easy”. I could never understand how some people can lie to themselves (and others) like that- “I’m cool, I can handle this”….. Well, sometimes I can’t. Not by myself, anyhow. It’s good to know that I’m not alone in anything- that my Higher Power is here holding me through most (what- most? ALL!) of life’s difficulties. Problem is, I didn’t always realize this while things were going on. It’s only in retrospect that I “got it”- …. “got “ meaning – “understood”. Because He was always there, even when I didn’t realize it. In fact, THAT is what got me through it- the very fact that I wasn’t in “IT” (whatever the tragedy of the month was) by myself.

These days, my understanding and awareness is kinda different. Most of the time I’m aware of His presence. I’m aware that I’m not on my own; that I don’t have to handle all the trials and tribulations of my life by myself. I think that’s what must have helped Abraham, the Patriarch, get through His ten trials. First, he recognized G-d, then he realized that G-d was with him through everything, watching him and helping him to handle the trials. He realized that the trails were “tests” that he was being given- by Someone, for Some reason. That didn’t take them away, but it certainly helped him get through them.

So, thank G-d, my life hasn’t been like Abraham’s, but it hasn’t been a piece of cake either. And, had I realized all along (like Abraham did) that these were tests I was being given, by Someone, for Some reason, and that I wasn’t really going through them on my own…. Well, I think things might have been a bit different, maybe even a bit easier, than they were.

So, where does that put me now? It’s clear that I hope I’m not tested again in a big way. Who would want to be? But I hope that throughout whatever life will still bring me (till 120 years) I will keep my awareness of the “truths” (as mentioned above) real obvious and clear in my mind-….. “ie. “We hold these truths to be self evident”… (sound familiar to you Americans?) - that G-d is watching over me at all times, (not just “watching me”, but “watching OVER me”), and that whatever happens is meant to happen, for a good reason, at this time, at this place, and to ME.
That kind of thinking and believing helps- it really really does.

Living Life in the Margins

From The Promise of A New Day, June 15 :How often we say, 'I don't have the time for__' meaning our marriages, our friends, our children, our hobbies, our parents, ourselves. Just what is important anyway?...Some people seem to do everything in the margins of their lives, without thinking, or knowing much about it.... their attention always seems to be somewhere else..... And sometimes , in the middle of our lives, the preoccupation clears..... 'what have I gotten myself into!' ".

Wow. These days I think that I am living my life consciously- doing the things that are important to me, both personally and professionally; meeting with friends and family and making things matter; taking the time to be with those I care about- study the things that will move me ahead, connect with meaningful things and those who are important to me; connecting with my Higher Power and making positive choices.

I was not always like this. Not so long ago I was caught up in trying to spin my wheels endlessly; pursuing nonsense and meaningless ends. Then I found my 12 Step Program; Then I found a wonderful connection with my Higher Power and with myself; a connection with wonderful friends and peers who know where I was and what my world was like, because they lived in similar whirlpools of their own making; like me, they found their way out of the maze and into a wonderful and meaningful new life.

I am grateful; I am much happier; I am relieved that there is a Higher Power Who saved me from myself- Who was able and willing to do for me what I could not do for myself. I Thank G-d for His grace and kindness and for leading me out of the hole I was in, and directly to my 12 Step Program .....and straight into His arms.

I'm committed. and you're the witness

From Twenty Four Hours a Day, June 9:" We had a soul-sickness, a revulsion against ourselves and against our way of living.... we must try to make a union between our purposes and the purposes of G-d ".

I can finally look back and see my BP (before program) person as "someone else", not me. I was very different in those days- the days before I began to connect with my Higher Power. But it took a very important step for me to get this way- First, I had to become totally disgusted with myself, and become unwilling to continue the way I was going. Then, I had to turn toward my Higher Power and ask Him to help me get out of the mess I was in. On my own, I couldn't do this. I am remembering how I literally broke down in tears and begged Him for help.

This kind of G-d connection is the one that is the most powerful in effecting change- but unfortunately, it's also the one that I don't call upon, or use, often enough.
And there it is, right in the palm of my hands- right on my lips- anytime I want to make use of it. I don't need any special tools, or equipment, don't need any special venue/place, don't need any special clothing or artifacts.... and yet.....I don't often take advantage of this miraculous power- tool that I own.

How silly! How self- defeating! What is it that stands in my way?

Back then, when I used it to climb out of the hole I had dug for myself, I enjoyed the fruits of His help.
But now, when I sometimes still struggle against the daily drone and drudge of life I don't remember (or am maybe a bit unwilling?) to just speak to Him clearly and plaintively and ask for His help once again. I don't get it, do you? I'm not back in that hole anymore, but being human, I still struggle.

There are times when I wonder if I might be a bit angry at Him for something, or if maybe I am back in that place where I mistakenly believe that I can be self- sufficient, and therefore won't humble myself to ask Him for help.
Well, by talking about it here, quite openly , I am certainly chipping away at whatever resistance I might be harboring...Ugh.

Okay, so, now I will get a grip on myself and face the music, ask myself what it is that is getting in my way, and make a public (well, as public as I can be in an anonymous blog) commitment to do some straight talking to my Higher Power on a regular basis. Am I biting off more than I can chew? I think not.

So, let me say that I will commit to talking straight out (but silently) either in writing or verbally, to my HP at LEAST every other day. (this leaves me some leeway, which I probably should NOT be giving myself).
So, you are my witness, and I hope you hold me to this. I want you to. I want to get back to that place where Hashem is my constant Companion, my Friend, and my Father, and where I can feel comfortable to tell Him whatever I want to or need to.
Okay, Higher Power- You've got it now. I'm back.

Two Wrongs are Right? Since When?

From The Promise of a New Day, June 7 : " We've all known people to whom it was terribly important that they always be right. Perhaps some of us Are those people, at least part of the time.....When we think this way, it is well to wonder how it is that we are right, while everyone else is wrong. We may find that our behavior is based not on rational thinking but on fear- the fear that if we relinquish control even for a moment, we'll fall into chaos".

Gulp. Who caught me out here? That was me, a while ago- needing to be right. I hope that I've changed somewhat in this- because it's not pleasant to watch someone who is always shouting down the other, in their desperate "need" to be right, or to have the last word.
The scary part of this is the real reason behind this "need", this fear, that is mentioned above.
What will happen if I am wrong? What will happen if you don't agree with me, or see my point? Will I cease to exist?

In order for me to accept the possibility that's it's okay to be wrong, first I need to accept that I am just a fallible human being, like everyone else. Just like the other person can be "wrong", so can I, and it doesn't really matter, because it doesn't speak a holy truth about my essense. Being wrong is just fine, being human is even finer.

I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but this "fear thing" is a whole different ballgame. What was I so afraid of? If I was wrong, would it mean that I don't have a right to exist? Eerily, I think something like this was all mixed up in my head.

These days, though, since I've been working my 12 Step Program- all the parts, including the G-d connection, the sobriety/abstinence, and the steps- I am no longer worried about whether or not I have a right to be here, and to be ME. I know that I have a place , and a purpose. I know that my Higher Power is watching over me and sending me tasks to do, and a mission to fulfill. That makes me important in His Eyes as well as in my own.
So, this fear of 'not being worthy unless I am right' no longer drives me. I can hear what you have to say, and not agree. I can have my own opinion, and not insist that you agree with it, or adapt to it.
That is very liberating. As much as some people might argue that having some sort of mission in life is a form of slavery, or "forced labor", I would say that knowing that I am an important cog in the wheel of life, an important part of the worlds' makeup, and that right now only I can fill this role, actually makes me feel like I have a major reason to be here.

So, to get back to the quote mentioned above, there is no chaos when there is a definite plan, and that's why 'fear and faith are still mutually exclusive'. Whether I am right or wrong won't make any major difference in how the world runs, and it no longer sends me into a whirlwind of needing to prove my point. Agreeing to disagree is just fine for me these days.

Onward and Upward

From Seek Sobriety, Find Serenity, June 5: "A person does something foolish, which has irreversible consequences, and he cannot forgive himself. In one of Charles Schulz's brilliant cartoon strips, Charlie Brown explains that he cannot do anything about the future because he is 'still trying to make yesterday better.' Engaging in a 'pity party', bemoaning the past, is a cop-out, whereby a person tries to avoid the challenges of the present and the future".

Yup, I can sure relate to that one- literally ruminating over the past, like a cow re-chewing its food after it brings it up from its stomach. Yuck. I've been no better, the times when I've wasted hours going over and over old stuff instead of heading onward and upward. I guess the serenity prayer helps with this one- to accept the things I cannot change, and the past is certainly one of these things.

It's all about picking up the pieces, dropping the great package of imaginary repercussions of our actions and mistakes, as well as the real ones, and just moving on. Life is too short for us to get stuck in all the regrets, like piles of mud or cow droppings and then sitting down right there in the middle of it all.
We need to check out the reality of what is, whether it's good or bad, and then just keep going right ahead into the future, despite it all.

Sometimes, in fact, this past situation actually leads us into our new future. Think of all the folks who take their own disability or loss or even mistakes and then recreate their lives with a new passion for finding solutions for others with this very same problem.

Whether it's illness, mistakes, or even sin, there is always a way up out of the gutter or mud -pile. The trick is not to settle right down into it and have a 'pity party'. The trick is to stand up straight and tall, regrets and all, and look yourself in the eye, grab hold of your Higher Power's Hand tightly for support, and head on forward and upward into the future.

A Positive Shift

Step 6- June- Were entirely ready to have God remove all my defects of character.

I am looking at this from several directions; The 12 Step view is to be willing to give up our character defects , and have G-d remove these. The Jewish way is to look at these same traits another way, and see how they can be used for positive gains. Being without any negative traits would make me no different from an angel. G-d has plenty of those, and He created me as a human being, fully equipped with both positive and negative inclinations.

I ask myself these questions: Why was I given this challenge? How am I meant to use it? How can I turn it around? What am I meant to learn from this trait? For example, if I am quick to anger, perhaps I should be using this zealousness to gain positive aims.

I find it hard to simply expect Hashem to remove it. I think He gave it to me for a reason. Of course, the point of whether I am ready to give it up is still the same, from both viewpoints.

I get to ask myself some more questions: Why do I hold onto the negative traits? What am I gaining from keeping these? What do they do for me? Do I imagine that they protect me in some way? What would I be like without my anger? What would I be giving up if I let go of it?

These are all possible directions for useful reflection.

My being willing to give up the negative aspect, and perhaps explore the positive side, is what the Jewish way of the "perfection goal" wants from me.

If I have a certain trait, there is a reason for this- something I am meant to learn, to grow from.

What I do know, is that there IS a plan here for me. The willingness to learn and grow from this is the part I have to cultivate; the willingness to have my Higher Power shift my perspective so that I can use the same traits in a postive way is what I am asking for, I believe, in step 6.

Just having the whole trait removed would be counterproductive . Learning how to redirect and grow from this new way of using the old trait is the goal of it all for me.