Frumstepper

Old Ruts, New Roadways

2011-12-05T01:16:00.001-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Dec. 5 :" In spite of all we have learned in A.A., our old way of thinking comes back on us, sometimes with overwhelming force, and occasionally some of us have slips. We forget or refuse to call on the Higher Power for help ".

This says a lot about habit. It's too easy to slip right back into the old ways, and forget about what is good for us. We forget about what has worked in the past. We forget about turning to G-d for help, even though we've learned over and over how good this can be for us, and how much it has helped in the past. Even the part about refusing to call on G-d is familiar to me. Sometimes I get so stubborn, and refuse to pray or to turn to Him. "What is this?", I ask myself. "Are you being silly, stubborn, or just dumb?" Maybe it's pride, it's hard to admit that I blew it , once again.
Ahhhh, but then, most of the time, I do snap back and finally find my way back to sanity. It may take some time, though, but Thank G-d, I usually do find my way back there.

But what was it that drew me off the path? I think it's that habits are very deep, like huge ruts in the road, ruts that my "wagon" has carved into that mud, by doing things over and over and over again. The "wagon" then, almost drives automatically in those ruts, without needing to think about which way to go.
When we decide to make changes in our lives, we have to work really hard at making new pathways, new "ruts" in the road. The problem is that we are riding right over the old, carved ones, and it's awfully hard to carve those new ones, with all that going on. It takes effort, it takes noticing, paying attention, working hard on it, concentrating, determination. It takes all that. Rav Dessler writes about how hard it is to form new habits. Over and over and over, for 31 days we need to keep practicing the new way, until that too, takes on an automatic character. And once we've formed, no , forged those new pathways, we need to concentrate so that we don't slip off of them right back into the older, deeper ones.
This is not easy stuff. It's not simple, and it's not fast. But it is possible. And it IS worth it.
So, once again, the choice is mine. I can work really hard on those new habits. I can remember that I'm not on my own in all of this- that I can (AND SHOULD!) call on my Higher Power to help me do this. Enough with all of this stubbornness. Enough with forgetting or refusing to call on Him for help. If I want to forge new pathways, and drive straight and true on them, then it takes determination, faith, and a lot of courage to do so. It is possible, though, and, once again, it is certainly WORTH IT! That's something that I know deep in my heart, and need no convincing about.

To Be True or Not To Be True

2011-12-04T15:22:00.001-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Dec. 4 : " Do not seek the praise and notice of the world. Be one of those, who, though sometimes scoffed at, have a serenity and peace of mind which the scoffers never know. Be one of that band who feel the Divine Principle in the universe, though He be often rejected because He cannot be seen".

This actually describes me pretty well. I don't care much about impressing others, or about what people think. I am often surrounded by people who do, and who worry about other people's opinions.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm living in another dimension, in a place where this matters not.
Maybe this is this "serenity and peace of mind" that is referred to here. One of the best principles I learned in Program is "what other people think of me is none of my business". It's important for me to be straight with G-d, and straight with myself. That's all that matters.
There were times in the past when I fooled myself, when I couldn't face myself in the mirror, when I talked myself into believing that things were fine, or even , sometimes, that things were horrible.
Both of these directions were false, because they didn't stand on the truth. Emes, or Emet, Truth, is like a pillar that holds up the world.
When I am truthful to myself, straight in my ways, straight with my Higher Power, then it doesn't really matter what other people think.
A long time ago I learned the following: Don't explain, your friends don't need it, and your enemies won't believe you anyway. That taught me of the futility of trying to please people or impress them. It doesn't matter much in the long run. You can't please everyone anyhow, and there will always be people who "don't get" what you're about. So there's no point in trying so hard to impress people.
What matters are those pillars of truth, that Emet/Emes and that I remain faithful to them, not trying to fool myself or G-d. The rest will flow automatically from that.
I think this is what it means to be one of those who Feel the Divine Principle in the the universe.
To thine own self (and G-d) be true.
All these sayings can't be wrong, can they?

Thanking G-d For Our Stay in His Palace

2011-11-28T00:48:00.001-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Nov. 28:" When we look around at all the things we have today, how can we help being grateful to G-d?"

I am reminded of an allegory that is written in a classic Jewish text: Imagine the following: You are invited to a party at the Royal Palace. At first, you can't believe it. Me? I can attend? You are shown around the palace, offered all sorts of delicacies, drinks, luxuries, a comfortable suite to stay in. In short, you are offered every amenity that is possible. You are then invited to stay as long as you wish. Gradually, over time, you become accustomed to everything that you've been enjoying. You even begin to expect it, to assume that it is rightfully yours. One day, something is not quite up to the standard you've gotten used to. And then you begin to complain: Where is my drink? Why isn't my food hot? This doesn't taste good. My bed is uncomfortable. It's not fair that HE got more than I did?

What has happened here? You have forgotten that you are an invited guest, that nothing is "coming to you". In Hebrew this is known as "magiah li". You have forgotten that it's all a gift. You have forgotten that it's not something you have earned, or that you "deserve".

Such is our life. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that is "coming to us". It is All a gift, a luxury, granted for some reason (not because we deserve it) by our loving Host, our Higher Power, G-d.

When we get to a place of recognizing this, then life is very different. We can look around at all of our blessings, and realize that this is exactly what they are- special gifts that our Loving Father extends to us, for no reason, other than His kindness,(or rather, for reasons known only to Him) . Gratitude will naturally flow from within when we change our perspective in this way.
Therefore, the words "Thank G-d" are not an exaggeration. They should not be uttered lightly, as we often do. They are significant every single second that we live and breathe on this earth. In fact, they are the very first words that a Jew is taught to utter upon awakening in the morning. "I gratefully thank You, O living and eternal King, for You have returned my soul within me with compassion- abundant is Your faithfulness! " Modeh Ani Lifanecha, Melech Chai Vekayam, Shehechezarta Bi Nishmasi, Bichemlah, Rabah, Emunasecha.

Run - Away Minds- Our Choice or Not?

2011-11-06T07:48:00.000-05:00

From The Promise of A New Day, Nov. 6:" Claiming ownership of and responsibility for the direction of our minds and our lives develops a sense of individual power, and , in turn, enhances self-esteem. We are what we think. We can think ourselves into becoming better selves. We are free, at last, from the overwhelming feelings of powerlessness and impotence".

I agree with is the part that suggests that we have some control over whether we dwell on things or not. I guess that I don't agree that we have control over everything that we think. Clearly, the first thought that pops into my mind is not under my control. But then, what happens afterwards is up to me; I can choose to either dwell on and obsess over that thought, increasing it, and possibly, the fear that might follow, or else, I can choose to direct my attention somewhere else.
One of the main examples I can think of for this is when I might have a pain or ache somewhere in my body, and then my mind begins to think "oh no!, what if this turns into something worse?!"
At that point I can choose to follow that train of thought and get all upset and worried, or I can choose to move on with my day, taking the thought into consideration, without going overboard with it, and without obsessing and worrying for the next few days or weeks.
We can blame all of this on happenstance -after all, it wasn't my idea to think of that in the first place. But that would take away my responsibility for the continuation and exaggeration that happened after that first idea or image popped into my mind. Allowing ourselves to be led into all sorts of craziness, whether it be over fears of illness, or whether it is about interpreting how and why someone else behaved, or how and why something happened in our world, is something that we can likewise control.
Getting control over this "run-away" type of thinking takes lots of hard work, effort, and most importantly, awareness. If we let ourselves get caught up without thinking about what we are doing, we will often find ourselves trapped in pits of worry and despair, anger and resentment.
But, if we can stay mindful and aware, we can catch it before it happens. This, like the quote above says, can help us "think ourselves into becoming better selves". We will be "free at last, from the overwhelming feelings of powerlessness and impotence". We will regain some control over our lives and our heads. And, like I've already discussed so many times, there are so few things that we DO actually have control over, that it's worth it not to let this one get away!

Faith is that thing that makes sense at last.

2011-11-02T16:36:00.000-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Nov. 2: "I have faith. That thing that makes the world seem right. That thing that makes sense at last. That awareness of the Divine Principle in the universe, which holds it all together and gives it unity and purpose and goodness and meaning.".

You might think that I'd get sick of writing almost the same thing time after time in my blog. All this stuff about faith. All this stuff about things finally falling into place with faith. And, then, there's "trust". How about that one? Well, you need to first have the faith, and then you have something, or Someone, to trust in. So what's this all about? Why the big deal?
For me, it's quite simple. Life without faith is just one big mess, it's a ball of confusion, a pile of worry, a push and pull for me to try to control everything. With faith, my life is much calmer, I can let down my guard, my illusion of control. I can stop trying so hard to do all, to be all. I can leave all that up to my Higher Power, Whom I call Hashem. I can relax in the knowledge that I just have to do my part, deal with my personal challenges, and leave the rest- all of it- up to Him. Get tired of it? Never. The quote I've chosen (above) for today is right; Faith is that thing that makes sense at last.

Let The Future Take Care of Itself

2011-11-01T16:15:00.002-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Nov. 1 : "The future looks dark no more... I try to let the future take care of itself. The future will be made up of todays and todays, stretching out as short as now and as long as eternity...Nothing can happen to me that God does not will for me.".

I honestly don't know how people without faith in G-d make it through the day. Things are getting worse and worse in the world. It's all pretty scary to those who don't believe that there is a Master Plan. It can lead to panic, and certainly to fear, if you let yourself worry about it.
But to those who believe that there is Someone in charge, Someone who is running the show, planning the moves, setting the stage, and choosing the actors, things look quite different.

On a personal, or individual level, we might worry about the little events in our lives, like the guy who cut us off at the light, or the saleswoman who scowled at us. But things feel differently, when we realize that even these things are "arranged" to happen to us, when we believe that
there is a good reason for them to be happening.

Trust and faith are the keys here- because with them, there is no need to be angry, no need to worry. We just need to think a bit about what we are meant to learn from these situations, how we are meant to grow from them.
This faith gets us through those times, and through the big, tough stuff, as well. No need to worry so much about tomorrow or the next day. Let's let the future take care of itself , and rest securely and with faith and trust that G-d is in charge of it all.
Whew! Well, that's a relief!

Too many choices- Keep It Simple Stupid - KISS

2011-10-29T17:11:00.001-04:00

Oct. 30:
I see that there are so many options available now for designing a blog. So confusing, actually. I guess it depends on what my readers prefer. Perhaps you like to see all those other tags I always had on the site, and the references to other blogs and recovery resources. I don't know if you'd rather read just today's post, or if you'd like an option to see all the previous posts. In fact, I can't know without your telling me. Worse than that, I don't even know if you are there, if you even exist.
So, I guess I'm asking you (sort of) to let me know if there is anyone out there. Here and there, I do get occasional letters, comments on a blog, etc. Mostly I get spam from robots who want to advertise their own sites, or to get me to buy something that I don't need or want, for body parts I don't even have.
So, if you feel like it, perhaps you will consider dropping me a line, anonymously if you wish, ( I won't publish it), and tell me if you like the old style blog, or this new "dynamic" one. Tell me if you want me to continue writing, or if you don't care one way or the other. (I hope I'm not asking for trouble here....)
And to make this a useful post, I will just write on the program slogan- KISS- keep it simple stupid.
That means that there are times in life when we just complicate things for ourselves, with too much information TMI, too many choices, too much babble, confusion, etc. Often we do this in an effort to distract ourselves or others, or maybe just to procrastinate. Program therefore tells us to just KEEP IT SIMPLE, don't mess around too much, don't try to confuse the issues, don't get caught up in the details. Just put one foot in front of the other, and DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING (another program saying).
So, I will leave this setup here, this new design until I hear more about the way you'd like it to appear, or until I figure out for myself that I'd like it back the old way.
Just trying to stay simple and keep on track. one foot, right here in front of the other, step by step, and one day at a time.

A Meaningful Direction

2011-10-27T08:48:00.000-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, October 27 : "My life has a direction and a meaning. All that feeling of futility is gone. I can do something worthwhile. God has given me a new lease on life so that I can help others".

I am one of those people who can truly say that the 12 step program has turned my life around. It's almost hard for me to remember what it was like before, though sometimes I do get glimpses (scary ones!) back to my old lifestyle. I'm not necessarily referring to acting out times, but also to those listless, worthless-feeling times when I didn't think I was good for much of anything. With program came a new direction, a new "leaf", a new "lease on life". All of these pithy, pat sayings fit here. Life is just different now. I have purpose and meaning. I have direction. I have feelings of self-worth, and in fact, I don't waste much time even contemplating that point anymore. I know why I'm here, I know what I should be doing, and I work at doing it. I am useful, meaningful, worthy. Life is just different these days.
Acting out can drag one down. I know. It pulled me into the pit of despair. I used to think "what's this all for?" I used to think I was the worst of the worst. I used to think that anyone or anything was better than I was. That if anyone knew the "real me", they would quickly run the other way.
What changed all of this was simply -----my 12 step program----and my Torah learning (though, for some reason that was not enough without program attached, too.). The lessons I learned showed me that I am a child of my Higher Power, Who created me with a pure and holy soul, and a job and a purpose in this world. Stuff gets in the way, that's all. But I'm meant to work my way through that stuff, and do my "job" as best I can. The people and events along the way are placed there by my loving Father in order to help me grow and learn. Learn and grow. Grow and change. Change and develop. Develop and become. It's a journey, a path to becoming closer to Him, and closer to Who I am meant to be.
Things can change. It's not really that hard. Some of these points are the keys to that change. First, in knowing that my essence is pure, and that it is always connected to it's Source.
Rediscovering that connection is one of those keys. I am His child, and I am meant to look for Him in my life and in its happenings. All that "stuff" just gets in the way, and "blocks the light" of the source.
I don't know if this sounds confusing to you or not, but it's the truth as I see it.
Sometimes I just tell myself- quit it, you're blocking the light- and then I try to reconnect, and to remember those basic truths.
I picture it like this: The Source (Hashem, or G-d, as you might call Him) is holding onto one half of that "light beam", sending it out in my direction. The other half is connected to my soul, my neshama, that pure spark that He put in me. When I behave as He wishes me to, the beam is strong and steady, and I'm "connected". If I "misbehave" or go off on my own doings, then I "block the light". but the Source continues to emit it, to beam it out at me, to send it strong and steady. (clearly, from His point, He wants me to be connected). All I need to do is stop blocking and start receiving the signal. Essentially, the choice is up to me.
So, to back up a bit, what I am saying here is that Torah and Program have led me to a life where I am more connected to my "beamed message" from my Higher Power, my tether to Him, so to speak, and all of this has brought me to a place of purpose, meaning, self-acceptance, self-worth, and direction.
Sounds real cool to me, as I write and re-read this. In fact, I almost can't believe that it's true. And how very lucky I am that it really, really is.

Taking Poison - What's the Result?

2011-10-11T04:47:00.002-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Oct. 11: "First I must get right with other people, and then I can get right with G-d....I should pray for the one against whom I hold the resentment".

I love those two sayings: 1.Holding a resentment is like taking poison , and then waiting for the other person to die, and 2. Resentments are like letting someone else live rent-free in your head.

Yup, the one who is most hurt when I hold a resentment is ME! It can niggle away at my insides, over and over, not letting me think of anything else. Do I really think the other person knows what's going on inside my head? Does he/she even care? It certainly doesn't seem to bother them very much. They go on about their business, living their life as if there's nothing wrong (most of the time). I have no control over their feeling guilty, or feeling sorry. I don't even know if that's the case.
So, the one who really suffers is me.... like taking poison, a poison which corrodes my soul, but somehow confusing things, and thinking that this will affect them.
The best course is to work on forgiving that person, or at least just leaving the punishment side of things up to G-d. He's got it all worked out, and if that person needs something as a result, a punishment, guilt feelings, a lesson, etc., it's best if I just leave it up to G-d to take care of those things, and just worry about my own side of the street- which usually means cleaning all of that poison out of my heart and soul.
Yeah, that's the antidote, then, just letting it go (which doesn't necessarily mean condoning their behavior) and leaving all of it up to my Higher Power. When I can come to Him with this "clean heart", I can also forge a better connection with Him. After all, I wouldn't want Him to continue to hold on to all my failings and mistakes either, would I? When I show Him that I can let go, then perhaps He will reward me by letting go of some of that stuff I messed up with , as well. Sounds like a win-win situation for me, no matter how I look at it!

Look at this video from a famous doctor explaining this very point!

Yom Kippur- a Practice Run

2011-10-09T13:42:00.002-04:00

Yom Kippur: Just saying those words brings awe and trepidation to my mind. Knowing that there is one day a year when I am standing, together with others, and yet, all alone, brings me almost to tears. And on that day, with no food or drink, no external trappings, I stand before my Creator, He Who sees all, knows all. I cannot hide or lie, or avoid the truth.. All that's left, is to admit my faults, my failings. And my tears flow freely. He knows all of this anyway. No secrets, here. So what is all this about?

It's simple. He wants to see if I can admit it all, to myself and to Him. He wants to see if I will avoid my responsibility, and make believe that I've been a perfect angel, or if I will tell the truth. He wants to see if I am truly sorry. He wants to see if I want to change. He wants to see if I really want to do it differently next time.

There is only one other time when we are truly "alone" in this way. That will come at the end of our days, when we will once again stand before G-d and the Heavenly court. This is all a practice run, actually. Every year, we practice. Every year, we get the opportunity to stand "alone", and admit our wrongs, scrutinize ourselves and face up to the truth.

How does He stand this, when He already knows that we might not make that many changes, after all?

He is judging us by our intentions, by that feeling, way down deep in our hearts that cries out "yes! I want to be better. Tatty, Father, I want to do Your will, I want to be good, just the way You want me to be"! That is what He is listening for. And, this intention to be more, to improve, is the "push" that can get us to make these changes in our lives during the coming year, and in the future. Without that desire, things will just go on "as usual". In program we say "if nothing changes, (then) nothing changes....

And then finally, after a lifetime of this trying step by step to be different, to make a difference, we will stand "for real" before our Loving Father, and He will show us a list of all those years of promises, and alongside that, a list of all the changes that we actually carried out. But, together with that, He will show us the bottle He is holding, filled with our own tears, that He lovingly collected one by one, each time we cried out that we were sorry.

Changing Directions... or "oh my, how you've grown!"

2011-10-06T01:30:00.000-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Oct. 6 : " G-d will not fail to show us the way we should live, when in real gratitude and true humility we turn to Him".

Thinking back on my own life, I see how very true this is. When I first joined my 12 step Program, way back when, I could not have even dreamed of the changes and turn-arounds that would take place in my life! Had I been the one to plan things, I could not have come up with this script. So, what happened? Clearly, I was led in directions that were not of my own imagining. I think what's important here, is that it's essential to trust and believe that G-d knows better. He knows which way we should go, how we can develop ourselves and our character, and in short, how best we can live our lives.

But if we are bustling around, high-handedly, thinking that we run the world, or even that we run OURSELVES, all we are really doing , is getting in our own way!

The trick is to be humble, to realize that we don't know it all, that we can't Do it all, and more importantly, that we don't have to. It's not up to us to figure all of life out, or to control anyone and even anything! (Of course, we need to make our effort, but it's a great big mistake to believe that we can actually control any of the results....)

We just have to be open to being led, to being changed. We just need to "listen" intuitively, and let our Higher Power move us along in life.
One can't do that without faith and trust. It's impossible to trust that "life" is not haphazard, and that there's a plan for each of us, unless one has faith in a Higher Power, Someone greater than himself; unless one has faith that there is a G-d who is running it all, according to a Master Plan that we are not privy to.

Yeah, we don't HAVE to know all this, in order to trust in it. For example, every day when we switch on the light switch, we trust that the bulb will light, even though we don't really understand how electricity works. We count on it...We have faith and we trust that when we hit that switch, we will get light.

Well, the fact is, that if we trust and have faith that Hashem will help us, He certainly will. And even for those who don't have this faith and trust, He still helps them, only they don't realize this. The difference is only in my acknowledgment of this help. The difference is only in ME.

By being humble enough to realize that it's not "all" up to me, I can make room in my life for this faith and trust, and that, indeed, does allow me to see His Hand in everything that happens to me. That faith and trust brings me to a deep appreciation of all these changes that have taken place in me and in my life over the years, the growth in all directions, and most importantly, this faith and trust brings me to a place of genuine gratitude and humility for all His love and direction.
At this time of the year, between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, it's essential for me to recognize Who the King really is. And to express my very humble gratitude for all that He does for me. Yes!

Strength from the Strongest

2011-08-05T05:37:00.000-04:00

From 24 hours a day, July 29: " If you have enough faith and trust in G-d, He will give you all the strength you need to face every temptation, and to overcome it".

Before I began working this program, I didn't think much about the word "fear". I was pretty self sufficient, and thought I was afraid of nothing. When I began to examine things, I realized that I was plenty afraid, and was mostly running away from these fears.
The idea that faith is the key, the bulwark to all of these fears, is intriguing. When I trust in Hashem, I am really not afraid anymore. I am feeling held and supported. I don't feel alone. I feel like He is with me, that He knows what I am dealing with; that He is sending me these things in order to help me grow and become stronger.

The obstacle course of life no longer feels like something I can't overcome.
It's like when a trainer sets out a course that he knows you can follow. It isn't too tough, and he knows that going through it is the best thing to help you grow.
Yup, I pray that I may face every situation without fear. I pray that nothing will prove too hard for me to bear. I may be surprised to find that what G-d wills for me may not necessarily be what I "ordered up as one does from a menu", but I do know that whatever it is, it will be the best possible thing for me , right here, and right now.

A Good Question To Ask Ourselves

2011-08-02T11:00:00.000-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Aug. 3: " Every situation has two interpretations- your own, and G-d's, Try to handle each situation in the way you believe G-d would have it handled.".

This is a good way to face the day. I know that MY way often gets carried out instead. I forget to stop and look at it from another direction. I forget to put G-d's way first. Of course, it 's a "given" that I mess up a lot. In fact, I mess up too much.
Okay, so I'll admit why I've been so quiet lately. After many years in program, I've slipped up. So, what does this tell me? It tells me that what it says in the Big Book is true: While we are busy being clean/sober, the addiction is in the other room doing push- ups. It's working out, practicing and keeping strong. That way, when we slip, we are not at the same level as we were when we first got clean; instead, we are stuck- falling flat on our faces, at the point where we would have been had we been indulging in our Drug of Choice all this time. So, I learned this now for myself. And, in case you're interested, I am trying to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on in my recovery.
What's the best way to deal with all of this?
I'd be better off handing my whole life by asking myself the question before I act: Is this the way my Higher Power would like me to behave? The answer is simple enough.

Became Willing to Have G-d Remove Our Defects of Character

2011-06-06T06:32:00.000-04:00

From AA 12 and 12, June, Step 6: "Since most of us are born with an abundance of natural desires, it isn't strange that we often let these far exceed their intended purpose. When they drive us blindly, or we willfully demand that they supply us with more satisfaction or pleasures than are possible, or due us, that is the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection that G-d wishes for us here on earth. That is the measure of our character defects, or, if you wish, of our sins"...... "We want to settle for only as much perfection as will get us by in life.... so the difference between "the boys and the men" is the difference between striving for a self-determined objective, and for the perfect objective which is of G-d".

What I found very interesting about all this, is the definition of what we are aiming for. According to this, the goal of whom we want to become is actually set by G-d, and His idea of whom we should and can be. We are too biased, weighing the benefits of what we want to hold on to , versus the costs of giving that up. Out of our fears and insecurities, we think we need certain defects; we get a charge out of others; we feel uplifted or greater than other people when it comes to still other defects. Therefore, we are not very good judges of all this; we are too blinded by our own stuff.

And yet, if we are willing to turn all of this over to our Higher Power, striving for the type of perfection that He wants for us, i.e. getting rid of the exaggeration of instincts and desires, then this can be an achievable goal.

Willingness means being willing to want for ourselves exactly what He wants for us, without the fog that our own insecurities blinds us with.

Once again, it is acceptance that it is the key: Acceptance of our humanity and our failures, and acceptance that there is an Entity wiser and greater than ourselves.
We also need to realize that having created us, He does not expect us to be angels, just people.
We need to understand that He recognizes the struggles, the conflicts, the difficulties, because He is the One Who put them there. And, since He designed all of this, as well as us, He also knows that we CAN succeed in this endeavor. Our part of this whole deal isn't all that complicated, but it's not necessarily so simple either. Our part is to have the willingness to do so.

All it really takes, then, is to put ourselves into His hands, and to be willing to say "yes". Yes, I am willing to make Your will into MY will.

Logging in to the G-d Chip within

2011-06-01T05:50:00.000-04:00

From 24 Hours A Day, June 1 : "You were born with a spark of the Divine within you. It had been all but smothered by the life you were living. That celestial fire has to be tended and fed so that it will grow eventually into a real desire to live the right way. By trying to do the will of God, you grow more and more in the new way of life. By thinking of God, praying to Him, and having communion with Him, you gradually grow more like Him".

For me, the most important part of this is remembering this spark within me. This spark means many things: It means that even when I am "down", I should never think that I am worthless. Having this piece of G-dliness means that I (and each of us) has a holiness within . It means that I have this "chip" within, and that all I need to do is to tune in my antenna, and I can connect with it. Have you ever needed to talk to tech-support, and they somehow can log in directly to your computer? That is just what this is like- but first comes the knowing that the chip is within us, and that Tech support can connect with it, and vice versa.
But in order to do any of this, first we need to recognize its existence, and to want to hook up with it. We do this by checking our values, knowing what is right, what feels right (Not what feels good!- That is often the animal part that is guided too much by instinct) and knowing , really knowing, when we are on the right path. All of these are ways of connecting, and logging in to the right channel, a process which is helped by us having that "chip", which lets us cue into it like a homing pigeon. The next part is using it, and letting ourselves grow and become closer to Him. Like the old riddle- The fellow asked the taxi driver- how do you get to Carnegie Hall? The answer- Practice, practice practice. All of this practice in living in G-dly ways brings us closer and closer to Him, and makes us resemble Him more.

For today, I pray that I always remember to connect with it, connect to it, and acknowledge that this piece that was "blown" into me the day I took my first breath, is my lifeline to my Higher Power, and to my own potential to become whatever it is I am meant to become.

TURNING MY LIFE OVER TO MY HIGHER POWER

2011-05-16T06:36:00.001-04:00

In a way, the idea of turning my life over is a scary proposal. I have learned over time, that I have to depend on myself because no one else is going to watch out for me; I have to make my own decisions, weigh the options, look out for pitfalls, etc. I have to guard myself, protect myself, restrain myself; I have to plan how to discipline and reward myself.
If I don't, my life ends up being a mess.

But the truth is, that it's a big mess sometimes, even when I DO all this, because I trick myself into believing that i'm in control of things.
Actually, although I might be in control of my own behavior (and sometimes I wonder a bit about that!), I hold little control over anything else. I don't control other people's actions, and I certainly have no control over any results.
This is the stuff that I need to turn over. And even more than this, turning my will over to my Higher Power means that I should stop and ask for HIs guidance along the way, even before deciding on a course of action. Turning my life over to my Higher Power means that I stop thinking that I'm in charge, and realize that I'm just a little cog in a wheel. I don't run things, or control them. Instead, I'm a little piece of the grand puzzle, and although my piece might be unique, if I don't play my part, He will find another piece, perhaps a little bit different than mine, to fill in the blanks.

This is actually a relief, because it takes the pressure off of me- that pressure of needing to get it right. Everything that happens is supposed to happen, and He is still running the show, even when I think that I am!
So, maybe all this isn't quite as scary as I thought it was!!

Stepping Into The Flow

2011-01-23T04:25:00.000-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, January 23 : "I will learn to live in G-d's presence and then I will have those things which I desire of Him: strength, power, and joy. G-d's power is available to all who need it and are willing to accept it..... I pray that I may get myself out of the way, so that Gd's power may flow in. I pray that I may surrender myself to that power".

There are a lot of points here, and I'm not sure that I agree with all of them. In Psalms, King David writes: Karov Hashem lechol Kor'av, lechol asher yikrauhu b'emet- which translated, means- G-d is close to all who call Him, to all who truly call Him. So I believe that the ability to reach G-d and become close to Him is available to all of us, as long as we want this closeness. I don't think I understand clearly the part about getting G-d's strength , power , and joy. Perhaps this means being able to access these things, and get His help in these areas. Or maybe it means that because we have been created in His image, these things are intrinsically within us, and we need His closeness in order to access that which is already inside of us. I am not sure. What I am sure though, is that there is a big part of this that is up to me. It's up to me to make that decision, today and every day- whether I want this closeness right now or not. There are so many benefits to it- to not living all alone inside my skin and inside of my world. Benefits to feeling that G-d is with me always, and is always there to help and support and guide me; benefits to realizing that I'm never alone with my sorrow or my problems, not even with my joy and happiness and success; never needing others to reinforce or clap for these things because that can come from my connection with G-d. (Of course we need people, but being dependent on others for our own self - esteem is problematic). Perhaps this is the power that is meant here; the strength; the joy of knowing we count, we are important in the grand scheme of things- else we would not be here this very moment.

I like this explanation.

My job then, is to get out of the way, to stop blocking His presence, and start letting His influence and connection flow within me. And then, to just surrender to this power and "turn my life and my will over to the care of a Higher Power" Who can restore me to sanity (step 3 of the 12 Steps)

The Stuff of Life

2011-01-17T06:37:00.000-05:00

From 24 Hours A Day, Jan.17 : "I know that love and trust are the solvents for the worry and frets of life".

If I think about it, I can recognize that worry is pretty useless. It doesn't get me any further in my life, and only ties me up in knots, causing me to ruminate and worry over things that I can't control. That's where trust comes in; trusting in a Higher Power Who is running the show, and trusting that He will arrange things to work out in the ways He sees best for all concerned.

Not accepting these two simple facts (some might say "beliefs", but to me, they are hard facts), is one of the causes for worry. "The world is falling apart", "I will lose all my money", I will lose my job", or even simply "No one likes me", can be the stuff of worry for many of us. But If I trust that Hashem will move the world around in ways that will most benefit me, I don't have to worry when things happen. An in addition, if I trust that everything that happens is best for me, I won't be so regretful over "how things could/should have been".

It's not always easy to believe that everything is for the best, especially when difficult things happen, and that's why I often need to remind myself of this. But I see the difference in my attitude and the attitude of those around me who don't necessarily believe in this. The main consequence of this difference is worry and fret, blame and constant efforts to try to change reality.
Of course, I'm nowhere near perfect in all this, but when I can accept, and even accomodate life as it is, I am much better off, and not all caught up in stress and worry. So, given the choice today , I will choose acceptance, and trust that My Higher Power is right here moving things according to His well-thought out plans.

Stepping Once Again

2011-01-17T06:22:00.000-05:00

Today is the tomorrow I worried about yesterday. That means that all the things I was promising myself I would do starting on Jan 1 are now waiting for me to begin doing them…..

Step 1. "We admitted that we were powerless over X (be it alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, sex, or anything else that people get addicted to) and that our lives had become unmanageable."

In Jan, we often start over with the 12 steps, re-taking step 1.

First of all, I need to recognize how unmanageable my life is, despite the often desperate attempts I make to manage and control it, and to manage and control everyone else’s life, too. Realizing that this is impossible and impractical , is one of the best things I have ever done, and must continue to do. In January, since we read step one, I am very aware that we haven’t yet re-read step two. But if I were to stop at this point, it could get really scary for me. Knowing that being helpless is not the end of the story, and that it doesn’t mean the same thing as being hopeless, gives me the courage, strength, trust and hope to go on.

But the key begins with Step two-“ Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Having a Higher Power, Whom I can count on to take care of all the stuff I was futilely trying to handle on my own, allows me to take a deep sigh and to relax. It’s okay. I’m okay. Life will be okay- exactly as it’s supposed to be; exactly as it is/was meant to be…. Ahhh, what a relief!

Learning to Drive

2011-01-16T07:11:00.000-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Jan. 14: : It is not the difficulties of life that I have to conquer, so much as my own selfishness ".

According to this, there is more work to do inside than outside. The last time I flew, I looked out the window and down unto the earth below. There I saw so many little cars, each driving somewhere for its own purpose.
We are all like that- forging ahead on some path to somewhere, doing something, going someplace... each with our own external challenges. Yet internally, we all have our own battles and difficulties too.
If I can work on myself to overcome my self-centerdness (I have a problem with the selfishness idea :) ),and realize also that I am part of the bigger picture, then I will have gotten somewhere.
My Higher Power wants me to drive on these two paths- the internal and the external. But often, the internal one is more difficult, and I must struggle against selfishness and "looking out for number one". It's hard to remember that I have to do both- fight the internal pulls, but also stream withing the whole congregation of life- finding the best roads, and making the drive easier for others as well as for myself, because I'm not the only one on the highway!

My Very Best Friend

2010-12-29T12:26:00.000-05:00

Lately I have begun speaking again to my Higher Power and asking for help in certain areas. Although this seems simple and basic, I do forget this option sometimes. I forget that Hashem is my Shadow, with me at all times, and that He can hear my requests, my pleas, my prayers, my thoughts, my thanks.

I forget that He is with me and listening, and even interested in what I have to ask or say. I get caught up in things, waste time and forget to slow down and turn to Him.

But slowly, slowly, I am trying to recall this, remember this, and use it again, by turning it all over to Him- all my problems, my questions, my sadness, my worries, and yes, even my joy.

It sure beats spinning my wheels and complaining about things.

I've had a hard time lately with some things, but it feels good to remember my many friends who are close to me, and that my Higher Power is my very best Friend, Who loves me, wants me, listens to me, and keeps me close to Him at all times....

I Deserve Nothing

2010-12-29T12:18:00.001-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, December 24 : " A new gratitude to our Higher Power for all the blessings which we have and don't deserve has come to us ".

I read an article last night about deserving. We are usually upset when something hapens because we think: "what did I do to deserve this!: or "I don't deserve to suffer this way!"
The point is, that we don't deserve anything! Nothing is coming to us. We forget that we are invited guests to a party and begin to think that we deserve to be here, and get served all the good things at the party. This idea by the Ramchal puts it all into perspective.

For my part, I need to remember this daily.... that it's ALL a gift, and I deserve none of it. I need to be grateful for every little positive thing, instead of bemoaning the lack or the loss of things.

We DESERVE nothing. It's all a blessing from Hashem, and I need to remember to be grateful for all the good He bestows upon me. Taking this perspective changes it all around. It reverses my mixed- up thinking, takes away the envy or anger, and reminds me to be thankful for all that I've been blessed with, day by day.

Heal them, change me

2010-12-28T02:24:00.000-05:00

I recently heard the expression- "Heal them, change me." I didn't quite understand it at the time. But recently something happened that helped me “get it”. Someone hurt me – or rather, I was hurt by something that someone did. In contemplating this, I realize that this person will not change. He has his reasons for doing this type of thing, and probably feels justified in his behavior. I should not/cannot expect him to change, or even pray for my Higher Power to change him, for this has nothing to do with me. However, I can pray for him to be healed from whatever it is that makes him act this way. That makes some sense to me.

Now, for my part- I am hurt by what happened. This hurt actually accomplishes nothing. Carrying a grudge would only damage ME in the long run. As I know, “resentments are liking taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”. Carrying this around inside of me, allowing it to fester, would only fill me up with puss and damage my heart and soul, and my whole system. So, what I should be praying for in this case, is for my HP to change ME and the way I process things. I CAN pray for myself to be able to change (and also heal) and this would be productive and helpful to me. I want to be able to understand and accept others no matter how they behave, and in order to do this, I need to change some of my attitudes. So, “HEAL THEM, CHANGE ME” is finally making some sense to me.....Okay Higher Power, that will be my prayer for today. I know this is possible for You to do, so please have me in mind as You go about running the world today.....

Best Practice Advice

2010-12-23T01:09:00.002-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Dec. 23: “Try to be part of the cure of every situation, not part of the problem.. Try to ignore evil, rather than to actively combat it. Always try to build up, never to tear down”....

Some of these sound counter-intuitive. The truth is that I used to get involved and be somewhat of a troublemaker, stirring things up. That made me more of a “part “ of the problem, than the cure. I have learned over the years to keep a lower profile, not always to get involved, because more often than not, this meant that I was making things worse, louder, more stormy than they were in the first place.

The second part of this- try to ignore evil- sounds almost like the wrong advice. Why wouldn't I want to combat it, correct it, straighten out everyone who is headed on the wrong path? Probably because it's almost impossible to change the wrongs when they are coming from outside of myself, and my involvement, even my combat, only stirs things up more. It's kind of like what's recommended for dealing with hecklers or paparazzi, it's better to ignore, rather than to rile them up even more. By ignoring someone , eventually they give up, because they didn't get the response they expected, which is to have someone engage with them.

The last part of this is also something that I've been hearing more and more lately. People respond so much better to positive approaches than to negativity and criticism. Which one of these makes YOU feel good?- “you are doing this all wrong again!” or “thanks for all you've done here”. One of these statements makes me want to run away, and the other invites me to come back for more of the same.

I guess this advice is good in dealing with others, but also in dealing with ourselves. If we are positive with ourselves, love and accept ourselves, build up, avoid conflict and evil, we will have better days and better lives.

My Higher Power- The Craftsman

2010-12-21T02:17:00.000-05:00

When I was little, I saw G-d as the puppeteer in Pinnochio. That was a scary picture, and one that I didn't want to imagine often. I thought that I was going to be punished for being such a bad little girl.
At around age 13, my picture began to shift. I was very introspective, and full of questions, wanting to understand. But it wasn't until I began working this program that I recognized my Higher Power as a loving Creator, Father, Friend, Mentor. I began to undersand that I am not being held captive by someone who wants to hurt or punish me, but rather, I am being held in loving arms by the One Who loves me more than anyone else ever can or will. He wants what's best for me, even though I sometimes have to go through different challenges in order to grow, and even though it often seems like what's happening can't possibly be good.
The ironsmith has to hold the horsheshoe under fire, and bang it with a hammer and anvil in order to shape it. The diamond cutter also has to hone and grind his stone with sharp tools and files in order to shape, refine, and polish his product.
So too, my Higher Power often has to put me through trials and challenges in order for my soul to emerge refined and perfected. Like the craftsmen, He is then proud of the resulting product.
With this knowledge, I find it easier to deal with the difficulties that my life so often presents me with.

Choices and Choices

2010-12-21T02:06:00.000-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Dec. 21: " In all decisions to be made today, yield to the gentle pressure of your conscience..... Wait quietly until you have an inner urge, a leading, a feeling that a thing is right, a pressure on your will by the spirit of G-d".

This is a good point. It is often hard to know how to make the right decisions. But if I search inside for that little push, that "almost-voice" that urges me in a particular direction, then I am probably "being led". Of course, there is always the voice of my yetzer harah, the evil inclination, pulling me in the opposite direction. But the other voice, the first one, - the one that rings true, will be that of my Higher Power showing me the correct course of action. THAT message just feels right. it feels good. It's hard to think of an example, but a simple one might be when I am somewhere and someone seems to be looking for directions, but isn't actually asking anyone, and I don't really want to get involved. That niggling little voice inside that says "turn around and go ask what you can do to help" is most probably the G-d driven voice, while the one that says "keep walking" or "make believe you are reading" is the other one.
I always have the choice, and that's what my Higher Power really wants to see- which choice will I make? Will I listen to that inner conscience, that piece of G-d that is right inside of me?
Think of it: Aren't we truly fortunate that we have this direct connection, where Higher Power will actually speak up right inside of us?The problem is that we need to stay quiet enough and willing enough to hear it, and to follow it. What will we choose? Once again, the answer SHOULD be an easy one.....

A Sign Worth Remembering

2010-12-18T17:40:00.000-05:00

There are times when I feel very unsettled;things seem about to happen,or perhaps are midway. Life seems almost difficult, and it's quite enough to make an attempt to just keep up,or get by with my daily activities. Those are the times when it's crucially important for me to remember that I'm not alone in all of this. Even my squirmy unsettling feeling is part a master plan, one that is being engineered by The Master. It's not "happenstance" and the world is not in wild disarray.I am not the victim of a dastardly plan to mess me up.

Recognizing all of this keeps me going. It helps me to keep trudging along, and even reminds me to stop and be grateful for the very fact that I am still breathing, and still dealing with daily problems. It's not a worthless effort, and it's not a waste of time. Whatever I am going through has a purpose and a reason. Whatever is happening is meant to accomplish something that is part of a greater whole.

This realization is enough to change the entire picture- and remind me that every single thing is part of Hashem's plan.
When I was young, I had a sign that said, "Hashem, please remind me that nothing will happen to me today that You and I can't handle together". Maybe I should hang it up again.

Love and Faith Dispel the Fear

2010-12-12T10:37:00.000-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Dec. 12, : "The only sure way to dispel fear is to have the love of G-d more and more in your heart and soul. ".

Years ago, my sponsor taught me that "fear and faith are mutually exclusive". This means that if you really believe in G-d, there is no reason to fear anything that might happen. Knowing that one is taken care of by a loving Father helps to remove all fears of the unknown. Similarly, loving this G-d, and trusting in Him totally, removes even a strong fear. When a person lets himself feel the fear so strongly, it's because he doesn't really love or trust in G-d; He doesn't really believe that He is being watched over and cared for; He doesn't really feel that his best interests are being guarded and taken into account.

Having real faith, real love, allows us to trust- simply trust – that everything that happens is truly for our best. Even when things are seemingly bad, it is very different for the one who trusts that he is seeing only a very small part of the puzzle, and does not know the ultimate and eventual end to the story.

There are many Talmudic stories about how things seemed to be bad, until one finally got a true picture of the eventual outcome.

In my own life, I can remember many times when something seemed to be coming out for the worst, and then years later I was able to see how different the final outcome was than I had anticipated at the time.

We might not get this final picture in this lifetime, and in fact, we probably won't, most of the time. But having love and faith allows us to trust in Hashem (Higher Power) anyway. Without this faith, life is truly scary, but with it, life is quite different, and even manageable. If I can visualize the true picture- that I am being held and guided by my Loving Father, the unknown is not so scary anymore. This makes all the difference in the world.

Punishing Me

2010-12-12T10:20:00.000-05:00

From Seek Sobriety, Find Serenity, Dec. 12: "It is not G-d Who punishes us, but we precipitate our own punishment when we behave improperly.".

I am thinking about how rumination often works- doing something, and then reviewing it over and over, "why did I do that? What can I do to fix it now? Can I even fix it now? What will happen next?". Over and over, chewing it like a cow chews its cud. Yes, that can be punishment enough; that can be a living hell.

I have learned that the better way is to recognize what I have done wrong, apologize if need be, and resolve to do it differently from now on. That is learning and growth, rather than spending my life beating myself up for mistakes I have made. Ruminating fixes nothing, heals nothing, leads to nothing!- No changes, no growth!

We are not here to be perfect; we are here to learn and to grow. Hashem (Higher Power) does not want us to be miserable; He wants us to lead a glorious life on this earth, while we are growing and learning at the same time.

Isolation and Loneliness. Quite different, though similar.-

2010-11-16T09:44:00.001-05:00

Isolation and Loneliness. Quite different, though similar.-

I think that it was loneliness, at least in part, that led me to find self- soothing in addictive behaviors; But it was isolation where I could act out.

They are similar, but different- in that one is imposed and one is selected.

Today, things have changed for me; today I know that I am never really alone, because my Higher Power is always with me. I have learned healthy ways to deal with being alone, such as reading, mediating, even using the telephone to reach out to others, writing letters by email, or chatting with friends and family who live far away. These last few are also ways of connecting , but I must be careful not to get stuck on the computer, since it is another way of "being addicted" for me.

I think that a warning sign for me is the desire to isolate- to hide away from others, sit on the pity-pot and focus inward too much , feeling osrry for myself, or on addictive behaviors.

There is a great difference between being alone and being lonely, and these days I no longer fear being alone and can use the time to read or study something new.

By reminding myself that there is only One Being (Higher Power) Who is ONE, and that the rest of us are meant to live and be with other people , I am helping myself to live a sane and useful life.

A Stoney Path

2010-11-11T01:05:00.001-05:00

From 24 Hours A Day, Nov. 11: " Each person's life is like the pattern of a mosaic. Each thing that happens to you is like one tiny stone in the mosaic, and each tiny stone fits into the perfected pattern of the mosaic of your life, which has been designed by G-d".

I love this image. It helps me to see that there was absolutely nothing that happened to me in my life that "shouldn't " have happened, no matter how difficult it was. It helps me to see that it's all part of the picture, and all part of the plan. Whatever happened up till now was meant to happen, and it was all part of what enabled me to be the "me" of today. When I struggled with something, it was meant to help me learn from it, or even meant to help me learn how to help others who might some day be going through something similar.
Perhaps if I had known all this at the time, it might have made some things easier to get through.

Of course, there were many things that I went through that I would have chosen to skip, had I been given the chance. There were many things that I would have chosen different outcomes for. There were many events that I would not have dreamed were there to help me grow, or change , or develop.

Perhaps that is why I am not the designer of my own fate. I would surely choose easy paths, no trials, no pain, and no suffering. Why would I want to experience anything more difficult than that in my life?!

That is why the "artist" knows better- knows in advance which tiny stones of the mosaic will make up the most beautiful picture; he knows which stones will add flavor and color, and which will ultimately lead to an exquisite masterpiece. For that is what each of us is, a masterpiece of G-d, in a life well lived.

Resentment? Poisoning Ourselves

2010-11-07T03:00:00.000-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Nov. 7: " When we try to get revenge, instead of making us feel better, it leaves us frustrated and cheated. Instead of punishing our enemies, we've only hurt our own peace of mind. It does not pay to nurse a grudge, it hurts us more than anyone else.... If we are resentful, we will be resented."
There are some good sayings about resentment: 1.Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die, and 2. Resentment is letting others live rent-free in your head.
Both of these say it all. When we resent someone, the only one to suffer is us. The other person usually has no clue as to the whole dialogue and script that is going on in our heads. We have written an entire play, which we go over and over, adding elaborate comments and replies, but we are the only audience to this. The person who is the main character (other than ourselves) has no idea about all of this. We allow this to niggle away at us day after day, month after month, year after year, until it literally eats a hole into our souls. Likewise, it's like taking poison and waiting for someone else to drop dead from it. The one who is hurt is us! Not only this, but we present ourselves as bitter, angry people (which is true!) and others will not want to be around us. If we share this "script" with our friends, they may wonder when they will be next in our line-up of hated people. It really is a poison that trickles into our bloodstream, destroying us in the processes.
Giving up these resentments might seem harder than it actually is. Learning how to let things go, how to see the good in others, and to be able to see that they are not bad people, though they might have behaved badly in some instance , being able to to look at ourselves and to understand that it is usually our own pride and stubbornness that has gotten in the way- these are all things that can be helpful in dropping the resentments that are our own stumbling blocks to healing and to happiness.
The question is: can we see that holding on to resentments does not really hurt the other person, and is actually destroying us instead? That is certainly a good motivation for practicing this new way of being. In our 12 step program, we learn how to "clean up our own side of the street|, and not to cling to our perceptions of having been "wronged" by others. It's simply not worth all the effort expended and all the pain it is causing (to us!!). Try it, and tell me if I'm wrong!

Choose Life

2010-11-01T17:40:00.001-04:00

From AA 12 and 12, Step 11 for 11^th Month, November, 2010:

“When we turn away from meditation and prayer, we likewise deprive our minds, our emotions, and our intuitions of vitally needed support…. As the body can fail its purpose for lack of nourishment, so can the soul”.

I find that on days when I don’t even try to connect with my Higher Power, I am left feeling frozen and distant. He has not shut me out, but I have done something which closes me in, isolates me- alone in an icy tower of my own making- windows shut against the light which attempts to creep in through the cracks in the sealed shutters.

The sunlight is there- free and available to all who seek its warmth and brightness. When I don’t avail myself of this, it is always self- defeating, leaving me cold, alone, and withering from the darkness and the despair that accompanies this.

Stated in this way, what choice is there, and why would one choose to deprive oneself of this magical opportunity for rebirth and grace?

It must be laziness, or perhaps brazen stubbornness, or maybe even rebellion- wanting things my own way, or wanting to be the one who decides what should happen, and what is good.

When I hear myself saying this, I am humbled by the simplicity of it all. Choice? It is written “(and you should) Choose Life”. Ubacharta bechaim. Why must I be told (read- commanded) which is the correct, the perfect choice? Why isn’t this self-evident?

Choose life- that is the choice I should always make. …Ahhh…. Sanity at last.

To Shirk, or Not to Shirk. Is that the question?

2010-10-12T01:47:00.000-04:00

From : Twenty Four Four Hours a Day, Oct.12 """' Be a doer of G-d's word, not a hearer only. ..Every day brings a new opportunity to be of some use. Even when you are tempted to rest or let things go or to evade the issue, make it a habit to meet the issue squarely as a challenge and not to hold back.".

To me, this means that I shouldn't look for excuses and run away from challenge. If there is something to do in a situation, then I should just do it. Sometimes, it seems to me that there is too much to do; but maybe this just tells me that I am not seeing the situation clearly; I am not seeing which is my part. I often just shy away from action if it seems too big, or too much. But then, again, at other times I will just jump in impulsively without enough thought and either say or do what comes to me automatically.without enough consideration.
So, how can I meet the issue squarely as a challenge? I think this means that I shouldn't make excuses and leave the work up to others, when it is clearly an opportunity that is presented to me. By remembering always that my Higher Power sends me exactly what is meant for me to be facing at that particular point in time, I will gain the confidence to act on whatever is in front of me at that moment. By practicing some restraint (which sounds paradoxical), I can pause for a few moments to think before acting, to consider first what it is that my Higher Power wants from me in that situation, and not act or speak impulsively.

Well, this is one more Spiritual Opportunity for me- another chance to always consider and remember that my Higher Power is with me at all times, and in all places- wanting me to grow and learn from every situation that He presents me with.

Heart Calm

2010-07-24T16:32:00.000-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, July 23: " The inward peace that comes from trust in G-d truly passes all understanding. That peace no one can take from you."

Sometimes I feel this inner peace; sometimes I can connect with that sort of trust that tells me- reminds me- that I am in G-d's hands all the time- that everything that happens to me is because He wishes it that way; that all the frustrations, challenges, mishaps, situations - have been sent to me, for some reason, and that He is with me and supports me throught the experience.

Mostly , I forget this, and I let myself get overwhelmed by the things taht are happening. When this is the case, I'm lost before I start, because I allow myself to be dragged down, to get taken oer, and give into all the mess of life.

So, it's in my own hands, isn't it? When I can remember all this, then I can have an inner peace- a calm, no matter what else is going on around me- no matter who is shaking my tree, or shouting in my ear.

Knowing that I am being held by my Higher Power is truly the key to inner peace- to heart-calm.

Why Do I Hear Their Song?

2010-07-02T08:41:00.000-04:00

I have become acutely, intensely, exquisitely attuned to the songs of the birds. Tell me, have they always sung so beautifully and constantly?
I never heard them before. I never even knew they were there, as I bustled around, doing all my chores, my busyness enveloping me in a flurry and hurry of chatter.
And then this changed. I became aware. I awoke. I began to notice the nearly constant voices and songs of the many birds who live somewhere in my neighborhood. I don’t see them much, but these days, I do hear them.
I wonder what they are saying, what they want to convey. Some people might think it’s simply chatter. But when I hear them right before daybreak or as the sun begins to sink lower in the sky, I think I know what that they are saying; I think they are singing their thanks and gratitude to the Creator for yet another day of life , for another chance to be.
Would that I could be that focused and always remember to do the same.
Perhaps this is why I have suddenly begun to notice them. Perhaps they have come to teach me.

Fancy Clothing for a Simple Soul

2010-06-20T04:47:00.000-04:00

From Seek Sobriety, Find Serenity June 18: " We need to think of our internal value, of our importance as a human being. It is not what we look like, but who and what we are".
he first thing that popped into my mind here, was that we are all souls, clothed in a body. Wearing this clothing brings us all sorts of challenges, learning, opportunities; But all too often, we forget that these are just trappings which we have either been given or have chosen to go through life with.

If I forget that this is not the real ME, then I am in trouble. It does not represent who I really am.
These things can be used to help us accomplish whatever we need to get done here. But they shouldn't take over as the key element of importance in our lives.
To me, this is sobering, because my body presents me with many challenges. I need to remember that it is only the clothing I currently wear, but that eventually, when I shed this earthly clothing, whatever I will be left with, will be the real me that has developed and grown over time and through the challenges I face, and overcome.

I can use the "clothing " I wear to help myself , or I can get stuck and frustrated by it. That is my choice. I hope that I make the right one.

Taking Care of Myself

2010-06-15T07:27:00.001-04:00

Plenty of us are worried about taking care of others, always putting ourselves last. Others think we are "taking care" of ourselves, when we are actually abusing ourselves, - by eating too much, drinking too much, staying up too late, not making time to relax or recharge, etc. But how and why should we really take care of ourselves?
Well, I think the answer is almost obvious to anyone who has flown on an airplane, and has actually listened to the stewardess's instructions: If there is an emergency, and the oxygen masks are lowered, make sure to put your own mask on before trying to help others, including small children". Basically, what this means, is that unless we take care of ourselves- both our souls and our bodies, we will not be in any shape to take care of anyone else.
This holds true for mothers, fathers, workers, public service people, etc. Our brains need to be in shape, and so do our bodies and souls. Having a frazzled , overworked, overtired, stressed out person watching over them, is not really a gift to a child, or to any other dependent person. .
So, what am I to do? I need to make time for myself, free of all distractions, pressures, and "overwhelm", and just remember to give myself some space; a chance to just breathe; a chance to look at and enjoy nature, or talk to my Higher Power. I need to eat properly, rest my body and soul, sleep enough hours, and not put myself into situations that will pour on the pressure; I need to remember that nothing that happens to me is without G-d's permission, and that He is there with me to help me through it. I need to remember that He doesn't give me things that are too big for me, and that He doesn't expect me to solve the world's problems. I need to take care of myself, and care for myself, and to remember that He cares for and loves me. I need to remember that all I need to do is my best right now, and that there are not really any "score cards" that I have to live up to, as long as I am "right" within my soul as to the actions I am taking. I need to accept myself and my situation, and not compare myself to others around me. There are no "Joneses" to keep up with. Recharging my spiritual and physical "batteries" is a gift that I give first to myself, but also to others.
Once I have done these things, then, and only then, am I really available to give to and help others.

Practicing the Presence

2010-05-28T09:11:00.000-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, May 28:" I should try to practice the presence of God. I can feel that He is with me and near me, protecting and strengthening me always. In spite of every difficulty, every trial, every failure, the presence of God suffices. Just to believe that He is near me brings strength and peace".

All too often I forget this simple message. I forget that I am not alone in my struggles, in my sorrows, in my life. I forget that I am not along in my triumphs, too. Forgetting this leads to fear, pride, and worry. When I remain aware of G-d's presence in every part, and every moment of my life, then life takes on a different character; fear disappears and courage takes its place. My willingness to "take a chance" is strengthened, and my trust that things will turn out "okay", is enhanced.
Alone, I am nothing, dust in the wind. But with Hashem at my side, I can be whatever He wishes for me to be. I just need to take those actions that define me as human, and apart and different from instinctive animals. Trusting gives me back the ability to make choices, and to rely on the belief that He will take care of the outcome in the way that is best for all.

Notice that this quote says we should "practice the presence of G-d". Perhaps this means that I have to consciously work on remembering all this, and not let it all fall into habit and automatic behaviors that seem almost to deny G-d in our lives. So, here's to trying to work on that awareness all (or at least) most of the time. It's the least I can do.... and it will result in the most I can do....

One Day At a Time- Why this is good advice

2010-05-14T05:21:00.000-04:00

"The One Day at a time philosophy is insurance against complacency. It guards against my projecting anything beyond this 24 hours".

I forget this sometimes. I get overwhelmed by looking ahead at the long stretch before me. "How will I withstand this? How will I get through that?" These are questions I often ask myself. Looking ahead with trepidation is off-putting. "It's too big, too long, too hard, etc." I tell myself.

By staying with this day, this hour, this minute, I can focus instead on what is, rather than on all the imaginary stories my head can dream up.

My yetzer harah (evil inclination) is very cunning; it can come up with all sorts of things to scare me away from my goal.

So, it's okay to have a long range plan or goal. But I need to concentrate on the present; on right now; right here; if I want to get anywhere in my life. I can have a road map, but my journey begins with the single step my foot makes as I lift it and start moving. And always, I need to remember that I'm not alone on this journey. I am being guided and held by my loving Higher Power, Hashem.

Defective or Defensive?

2010-04-19T15:43:00.001-04:00

April 19, 2010

We usually read the corresponding step for each month. This means that in April, we read the 4th step of the 12 Step Program, which is "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves". This requires an honest review of everything we're made of.

What? Defects? Who, me? I can't possibley have any defects! I'm supposed to be perfect, aren't I?

How dare I have faults and liabilities? .... And if I do, they must be because of YOU! - because I'm reacting to something YOU did, or something YOU are! YOU must be pushing my buttons, puling my chain, popping my fuse, egging me on!

Admitting my faults means admitting that I'm human; admitting that I have work to do; admitting that I'm not thoughtful enough, or caring enough. It means admitting that my priorities ar wrong, or that I'm not being careful enough.

Why would I admit all this? It might just set me up in a vulnerable position where others might take advantage of me.

By fooling myself (because I surely can't fool anyone else who has eyes in his head), I am tricking myself into believing that I can also protect myself from hurt and pain.

I guess that's at the bottom of all this self- deception. I'm not sure it's a lack of humility, but I think that fear is what drives it, as it drives much of what we do in life.

And that's where true belief and trust in Hashem (Higher Power) comes in. With faith, there is no fear. Hashem doesn't expect me to be all powerful, or to be faultless. He just wants me to trust in HIm, walk humbly, and to be honest.

Sounds like a good plan, doesn't it?

Post Pesach Review

2010-04-13T01:03:00.000-04:00

I am feeling liberated after Liberation- Pesach (Passover) is not the easiest holiday for women, and yet I find the Seder experience to be very moving. It's not the first time that I sat there with tears literally running down my face. First of all, as I sat there, I was contemplating the fact that I can really identify with slavery. Having an addiction is like being a slave; a slave to something you don't want to do, but can't stop yourself from doing. It's hard to explain this to someone who's never experienced this, but it is the same as not having control over your own life. It is slavery to someone/something else, and Pesach is a perfect time to celebrate breaking from from this slavery. Without my 12 step program, I wouldn't be celebrating this freedom.

The second reason that I found myself crying, was because of all the gratitude that I feel to my Higher Power- gratitude for all that He does for me, and for all the good things in my life. As I sat at the seder, I was literally overwhelmed with this, and that's why the tears ran freely. I was sort of glad that no one else at the table noticed, because this is a private emotion, and I don't think anyone else would have understood. But I'm glad to share it here with you, because maybe you can understand. Every minute of life is something to be grateful for. Program is about developing an attitude of gratitude and realizing that it's all a gift, and that nothing is "coming to me". Isn't that one of the true messages of Pesach?

Holding On Too Tightly

2010-03-14T11:45:00.001-04:00

The other day, I went in to get an appliance fixed. It is mostly working, but just has a small problem. After leaving it at the store overnight, I received a call from them, telling me that they couldn't repair it. The next day, I went back to pick it up. "But it's such a good product", I told the store keeper. "Yes", he answered, but even good things have an ending". I took my appliance back, but found myself a bit shaken.

Later on, I thought about this. Why did his statement disturb me? Don't I know that good things don't last forever?

I guess that's exactly what got to me. Like many others, most of my problems come from the wish to hold on to what is, and to push away (or run away from) bad stuff. We can't do any of this, it's simply impossible, and that's exactly the point. The more we want to push away, or hold onto stuff, the more of a tizzy we get ourselves into.

I am still a bit shaky in thinking about his words. Yes, I do have this fear about good things changing, stopping.

But I am looking at this all wrong. If I can get myself back to that place where my trust and belief in my Higher Power is strong, then I will be able to accept that whatever happens is for the best- be that changes,losses, or even things that may seem to me to be less than good (i.e. "bad"), like disappointments. In this fear of the unknown, I am displaying a lack of faith in my strong and guiding Father Who is watching out for my good, Who is planning things in the best way for me that they can possibly be.

Trust and faith allow me to be okay with whatever is happening right now. They allow me to just "be" with whatever Hashem is sending me, and to be calm in the face of change, knowing that He will be there with me whatever happens, and that He is the One Who is sending me whatever happens. That's a whole different take on things.

Obviously I wasn't thinking about appliances in this issue. But that is certainly a good metaphor for all our material belongings. Truth is, that this applies to everything in life, not just "appli- ances,".

I need to stop holding on so tightly and just enjoy the good in my life that Hashem sends me at any given moment. Letting go of fear is the very first step in this, and that comes from faith and trust in a Higher Power Who is watching over me at all times, and holding me in His arms, just like a small child being held by her loving parent.

Round and Round

2010-03-08T13:54:00.000-05:00

From AA 12 and 12, Step 3: " The more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are. .. the more we gain true independence of the spirit". (At the beginning of each month, I like to read the appropriate step (number) for that month. Since March is the third month, today I read step 3.)

This whole talk of dependence is good for me to hear. Many of my friends who are NOT in the 12 step program use this as their reason to condemn the program, saying "I don't want to be dependent on anyone or anything. I need to be able to do it all by myself".

Reading in this step about how we are also dependent upon electricity, on our cellphones, our cars, and also the grocer , the auto mechanic, etc, reminds me of how dependence is not necessarily a bad thing. We need each other. We are not islands floating all alone in a great sea. We need to depend upon each other and connect. We need to reach out for help when we are failing and ask someone to pick us up. And to reach out and support those who ask us for assistance.

And what about dependence on a Higher power?.... well, this week I had another opportunity to slow down and look inside myself. Once again, when I did this, I found my Higher Power there. I realized that I can always call on Him for help wherever I am, because He is always and constantly there with me.

This is the calm in the storm for me. This is the grounding, when it feels like I'm shaking. This is the solid core that I can always hold on to- like the stationary pole on the merry go round. I choose to hold tight to this solid pole, and remember that even though the world may keep spinning around me, I have Hashem (my HP) to hold on to, and to keep me steady at all times.

All At Once

2010-03-07T02:21:00.001-05:00

I had the opportunity the other day to just sit outside for a while and observe what was going on around me. Most of the time, I am "too busy" for this, or rather, don't allow myself the time to do this. What I noticed was the worlds around me that I am usually oblivious to. I was sitting on a bench in a park, so one of the first things I noticed were the dogs and cats who were running around. Next, I noticed the birds in the trees above me, flitting from tree to tree, and singing their songs. Looking down, I watched flies and bugs and ants, hopping in the grass. And the humans? well, there were several moms pushing strollers, but most of them were on their cellphones, talking to someone unseen (and not to their little ones in the strollers). I came out of this reverie with the amazing awareness that often, we think we humans are at the center of the universe, while in fact , there are various worlds that revolve at the same time, -all without our involvement; the animals, the insects, the birds, the plants.

In Judaism we are taught that we humans should have the attitude :bishvili nivrah haolam, that the world was created for me, meaning -that in order for me to accomplish my job here, the whole world was created and is running. And if this is true, then, indeed, these other worlds are here in order to help me to do my task and job here.

But still, I realized that I rarely stop and take or make the time to look at all these other seemingly separate worlds that are all revolving on their own "axis", almost independent of our own. I say "make the time", because we are often waiting to somehow, miraculously "find " the time, and this almost never happens. We must make the time to do things, to notice things.

So, what's all this about? Well, to me, noticing all this stuff just made me more aware of G-d's greatness and power, because I got a glimpse of the enormity and intricacies of the universe, the very fine detail, of everything that is taking place at the same time- all the bits and pieces that make up one minute of "action" . And this was only in that small area of the world where I sat for those few minutes. My mind boggles at the idea of EVERYTHING that goes on in one single minute, in every area of the world and universe, and at the idea that G-d is aware of, and running all of that and somehow coordinating all these things to work out in a specific way for a specific purpose.... This makes me feel as small as an ant, and yet, if it was all created for me to get my job done,,,, well, wow!

Purim's Lesson

2010-02-26T08:51:00.000-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Feb. 26:" Do I know what it means to feel sure that G-d will never fail me? Am I sure of this as I am sure that I still breathe? I should pray daily and most diligently that my faith may increase. There is nothing lacking in my life , because really, all I need is mine, only I lack the faith to know it. ".

So here, it's clear. The facts are on the table. The problem is that I don't always believe them. The Purim story helps us to remember that miracles are around us all the time- that we are being led, protected, guided, and sheltered, no matter how it may seem on the surface. Instead of praying for Hashem (Higher Power) to notice me, I should pray that I notice Him! My life is carved out, and orchestrated so that I can get the most out of it, be the most I can be, and contribute as much as I can. It's high time that I recognize this, instead of complaining all the time over my lot in life. Purim Sameach to all!

Calm or Uncalm- it's actually a choice

2010-02-21T09:29:00.000-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Feb.21 : "When I feel the calm of my spirit has been broken by emotional upset, then I must steal away alone with G-d, until my heart sings and all is strong and calm again. Uncalm times are the only times when evil can find an entrance."

It's important for me to be able to notice what's going on inside. When I feel that shakiness, it's a sure sign that I'm in trouble. The knowledge that G-d is with me at all times can keep this unrest away. When I lose my temper, lose my cool, feel taken over or too affected by the outside world, it's a sign that I am now becoming vulnerable to bad stuff happening. Sometimes the problem is that I"m not even aware of this- and then before I know it, I have blown a fuse, or over-reacted to something or someone.

So how do I keep this watch? How do I retain the awareness of myself that is so fine and sharp? I have been cultivating this through learning to be mindful of myself and my surroundings. This takes a sensitivity of "tuning in" in order to see and sense what is going on, instead of just barreling ahead with my life, my reactions, my emotions.

There are times when I do notice how I am reacting or responding, and am not so happy with what I am doing. Those are the times when I am not thinking so clearly, or else not really turning my life over to my Higher Power. When that happens, - when I see that I am reacting without much thought, I can do several things: I can catch myself, and choose to behave differently, but I can also use this opportunity to turn to Hashem (my HP) and ask HIm for help. This always works, because just stopping long enough to make this connection, and this request, allows me to have that breathing space where I can choose if this is the way that I really want to behave. So, I sort of get both of these options in one package. Maybe that is actually the way that He is helping me at that very moment!

I don't want to leave that door open for evil to enter, or even for turmoil to come in. Keeping the calm that comes along with having and following G-d's guidance is a precious gift that I want to savor each and every day of my life. I hope I can remember this the next time I get carried away...

Trusting Like a Child

2010-02-18T08:10:00.003-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Feb. 18:" It is not the passionate appeal that gains the Divine attention as much as the quiet placing of the difficulty and worry in the Divine Hands. So I will trust G-d like a child who places its tangled skein of wool in the hands of a loving mother to unravel. We please G-d more by our unquestioning confidence than by imploring Him for help "

I liked this image a lot. Being a grown up is scary sometimes. It feels like there is too much weight, too much responsibility on my shoulders. Taking a big sigh, and realizing that I am actually still a child- at least, still G-d's child, removes some of this heaviness. I am not on my own with all the problems and difficulties. I have Someone to whom I can turn no matter what happens. This "Someone" can deal with all the challenges and problems, and knows the best way to do so. This "Someone" can help me get through the day, through the night, through the difficulty at hand.

Having this "Someone" be a part of my life removes the fear and "scariness" and lets me feel safe and secure, no matter what is going on.
I am enough; I have enough; I'm good enough; There are answers; It will be okay; I'll get through this challenge; Things will work themselves out; My "Someone" will untangle the knots and clumps in my "skein of wool"- my life.
Yes, I can beg Him and cry out for His help in all this. I can also trust, with the purity of a child, that my Tatty, my Daddy, my Father in Heaven, will take care of things for me. I have confidence in Him, and I know that He has confidence in me, too.
When I was young, I had a sign that said, "Hashem, please remind me. that nothing is going to happen to me today that You and I can't handle together". Whew. What a relief to know that, and to believe it, even now, so many years later.

Unruffled Feathers

2010-02-16T02:24:00.000-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Feb. 16:" I will try to be unruffled, no matter what happens. I will try to keep my emotions in check, although others around me are letting theirs go. I will keep calm in the face of disturbance, keep that deep inner calm through all the experiences of the day ".

Before I began working my 12 step program, this would have been a dream, an impossible one. I was never unruffled, and could usually be counted on to "lose it" sometime during most days. Today, it is a possibility that this can really happen. If I think about why it's possible, there is only one answer for me, and that is , that I believe that my Higher Power is arranging the difficulties of my day in order to help me grow from them. It would be easy for me to see it differently- that He is trying to provoke me, get me to lose my temper, make things hard for me, etc. In fact, two people recently gave me that 'take" on their own lives. They are angry at G-d, feeling really ticked off and picked on. I just don't see it that way anymore, if I ever did.

Maybe there was a time when I often lived on the "pity pot", thinking "poor me" most days.
But if so, that time has long passed. I feel like our world clock is somehow ticking down to something big, that we are all soon to see a big lesson of sorts. In that case, then all this "learning opportunity" is good. I see things in a new light: My challenges in life are geared towards this- growth, learning, connection with my Higher Power. All these things that could easily serve to get me to lose my temper, have my emotions explode, are now seen (by me) in a new way. So, no reason to "get ruffled" by the challenges and events. Instead, it's just another "spiritual" and "learning" opportunity to look at it all and see what I can do about it, learn about it, and even just to ask my HP what He wants from me , right here, and right now.

What a different way to look at life, even when I may see others around me losing their cool over the very same things. Often I feel like I'm in a time warp, or third dimension, since I am not feeling so stressed by the very same things that seem to stress others. This is especially startling to me, since I used to respond in the very same way. Perhaps this is what we mean in program about changing our way from "reacting on life to acting on life". I guess that's what's meant by "choosing" to live instead of having life just sort of run away with us. Choosing to remain calm in the face of frustration, too.

I like that- the "choice" part. When I was in active addiction, my choices were gone. It was all automatic. Today I get to choose. Super-cool.

Connecting with The Power

2010-02-14T02:53:00.003-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Feb. 14: " I must keep a time apart with G-d every day. Gradually I will be transformed mentally and spiritually. It is not the praying so much as just being in G-d's presence.... My greatest spiritual growth occurs in this time apart with G-d".

Just reading this sentence brings a sort of relief to my soul. Just knowing that it is possible to achieve this kind of connection charges my spiritual "batteries". Ahh. The soul seeks this recharging- this reconnection with its source. That is the part of us that was made "in His image", I believe. Surely not this body. Like a huge sun , the way a little child usually draws it, with rays streaming out from it; the rays are our souls, each connected at one end to the source, but pointed outward on its own path on the other end.

But it sounds so easy, and I'm not so sure how to do this connecting. I don't seem to get that great a connection when I pray, at least not in the formal manner. How, then do I just reach out and spend this "time apart" with my Higher Power?

I, for one, don't try to do this often enough. Just to ask G-d what it is He wants from me today; what it is He wants me to do, or just to be; what is my purpose in this grand scheme of things; why all the testing and suffering; why all the feelings of accomplishment or the feelings of bitterness or failure; what's it all about, for me, anyhow?

The holy books have some answers for these questions, but that's not the same as just asking for the personal answers-the ones that relate to me, individually, personally, not the ones that fit for everyone.

I think I will take those few moments right now to try to make this connection. Perhaps I will sense some answers; perhaps I will feel this great connection that I am speaking about. But perhaps not. How then will I interpret it? I have a strong belief and trust in all of this- a trust and belief that my Higher Power is always with me, wherever I am, whatever I do. Even when I don't stop to try and connect or ask these kinds of questions, I live with the surety that He is my constant Companion and Guide. So even if I don't sense answers to my questions, this trust does not waver. I will still be guided even if I don't "hear" answers. I have no doubt whatsoever about all this. Time to try it out, I think. Right now. What do you think?

People Mazes

2010-02-10T16:59:00.003-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Feb. 8: I must depend on the Divine Power in all human relationships. I will wait and trust and hope, until G-d shows me the way. i will wait for guidance on each important decision. I will meet the test of waiting until a thing seems right before I do it...

I remember the first time it hit me that G-d is my helper even in relationships. I don't know why this should have been so surprising to me, but it was. I know now that it is a problem when we think that G-d is only helpful in big and important areas, and think instead that we are supposed to handle the "small stuff "on our own...

Before I began working my program, I thought that G-d was too busy for my stuff, that He was really busy running the whole world, feeding all the hungry people, making sure that the earth rotates on time, so that the sun will be here and the moon there, etc. But then I began to realize that He is involved with every single thing, making the raindrops fall precisely where they are supposed to, and arranging each gust of wind to move each leaf to and fro..... In fact, in Jewish writings it says that there is no blade of grass that grows, unless one of G-d's emissaries (an angel) bends over it saying "grow, grow".... So, this is micro-management at its greatest. The point is, that my Higher Power is intimately involved in every phase of my life, including my relationships with other people.

To take it back to the quote here from my book, G-d is my helper even when it comes to these relationships with people. He guides and directs me in those areas, but I have to patiently wait and listen for that guidance, curbing my impetuousness and impulsivity, till things feel right and feel good.

Why do I still fall back into that error of thinking I'm alone in having to maneuver my way through the mazes of relationships? Whether in work issues or family issues, I don't have to wander and struggle on my own. Instead, all I need to do is realize that I am always being guided and helped. But the key is just as with other things- I need to be open and patient, and not rush in like a fool . Ahhh... again, what a relief to know this simple truth. Not alone, ever. Not left to my own resources , either.

Now, all I have to do is remember this when the time comes. That's a trick if I ever saw one.

Boredom, Or The Stuff of Addiction?

2010-02-01T13:35:00.000-05:00

"Boredom is a form of conceit. When we are bored we are saying: "Okay life, you are not doing your job of keeping me entertained'. To think that life, or those around us, or the world itself is here primarily to keep us amused and entertained is 'stinking thinking".

There goes that 'stinkin thinkin' again. It's the stuff that I need to watch out for, because it means that once again I am caught in something, like a trap. This 'something' leads me to an almost helpless state, because it takes away my control, my ability to make consious choices. I'm not talking about the kind of control that I am better off giving up to my Higher Power. I am talking about the decision making process- where I have the possibility of deciding what is best for me in a certain situation, or at a certain time.
In this case, it's talking about the expectations I might have on life to be there for me to be at my service, instead of my being of service to it, or to others. Amuse me, entertain me, make me happy, make me feel good. Starting to sound like an addict's way of thinking, no? It's that old coping mechanism that got me into trouble, right?
In my 12 Step Program, I learned that this was the very wrong attitude. It's the attitude that wrapped me up in myself, and in using- whether it was using my "drug of choice", or using other people to satisfy my own wishes, desires, dreams or needs. Troublesome- sticky stuff, better to stay out of this quicksand.
So, here I am, looking at this with new eyes- how can I be of service to the world, instead of looking to see how it can serve me. Sounds a bit like JFK, - "ask not what my country can do for me, ask what I can do for my country".
'nuff said right now. Point well taken, I believe, and well received. By me, at least!

The Guiding Right

2010-01-28T01:08:00.002-05:00

From The Promise of a New Day, Jan.28: The only life we have power over is our own. Trying to fix other people isn't only futile, it's disrespectful.... Self respect begins inside ourselves. Real consideration for others demands that we treat them with the same respect we'd like to receive".

This makes it sound like we really have power over our own lives. I think that's debate -able. Well, power, maybe to change some things about my life, to make decisions, to make choices- that I'll agree with. But I think that we don't really have much power over all the circumstances that hit us in the face. All that stuff that comes flying at us when we least expect it. Not much power in our hands over that. Not much power to change it or deflect it. We sort of - need to duck. That we can do. We can also run sometimes, or just choose to face it head on and deal with it. That we can do, too. Maybe I'm just talking for myself, but I suspect that others would also agree. Sometimes all I have the strength for is to say 'no', but I guess that's also using my own power, my own choice.

So, self respect comes from making these choices for myself, deciding what I'm willing to go along with, and what I'm not. It also comes from doing things that feel "right" , way deep inside, those things that I really feel are fitting with my Higher Power's will.

Those other things, you know them, don't you? The things that we sort of convince ourselves of, rationalize to ourselves, telling ourselves that they really are good because of this or that, when most of the time we don't half believe what we are saying, even to ourselves? Well, those are not the times I am talking about. Those are the "bad choice" times, and they certainly don't lead to self respect- at least not for me.

So, respect- for self and others, begins with doing the "right thing", the thing that doesn't come along with all sorts of misgivings, and rationalizations. The professional term for this is "ego-syntonic", meaning that it just flows with that inner part of me that lives in the heart. I believe our souls run this part of the show. It's clear to me, that the results of following this path makes that real difference inside. It just feels right, and that's because it IS right. We've got this inner force that can guide us , if we are only willing to listen to it, and to let it do the guiding.

To sum up: I'm glad I have this inner guiding light that tells me when I am choosing right from wrong. It helps me to stay on the right path and to do the right thing. It leads to self respect, and gives respect to others, as well. All I can say, in thinking about this, is "Thanks , H.P., for setting me up with this great inner "guidance system" for living!

My Team

2010-01-26T00:36:00.006-05:00

From The Promise of a New Day, Jan 26: "There is no way we can spare ourselves, or those we love, the pains of living, because they are inseparable from the joys.... all we can do- and it's quite a lot- is to live the best way we can, achieving a balance among the forces that pull on us: pleasure, responsibility, power and love... ".

I think this points out how futile it is to try and avoid all of life's curveballs. We need to accept the good and the bad, and to find some sort of balance for ourselves. Believing in a Higher Power is helpful in this, because it reminds me that whatever happens is meant to happen; it reminds me that life is not haphazard... that it is all going exactly according to Hashem's (H.P.) plan for me. He wants me to grow from the challenges I face, and the decisions I make about those challenges.

Trying to run away from my life will be useless- it will just follow me wherever I go. Therefore, it's my job to roll with the punches, rise and fall with the waves, whatever metaphor suits you best, just choose.

If I truly believe that all of this is meant to help me, then I will be less inclined to fight against it, and more inclined to maneuver my way through the mazes in my life.

Nothing will happen to me today that was unplanned by Him, even my responses were expected, although I did have a choice in them. And that is the key here, I think. He throws me the pitches, but I can hit or punt, or just let them fly by me. My choice. My life. My growth as a result of what I do with those curveballs.

Hashem plays all those roles for me- pitcher, coach, umpire and cheerleader. I'm the player. What a great team we make!

You , Me, and the Mirror

2010-01-25T04:58:00.000-05:00

From Promise of a New Day, January 24: “ What we dislike in others are often those things we hate about ourselves… Our desire to criticize, to pass judgment, offers an excellent mirror of who we truly are. .. How exciting to contemplate that every hateful moment actually is offering us a positive opportunity for change”.

What an interesting way to look at things. That means that when I see things about you that I don’t like, I should realize that these are usually the same things I have in me…and, instead of using this as a chance to jump on you, I should look at the positive approach – meaning -of how I should be grateful for this opportunity to work on my own stuff. Whew. That’s a heavy one. I’m not sure I can be great at either half of this project.

It’s like this: I am sitting with you, and noticing all those things that really bug me about you- and suddenly, I’m supposed to figuratively whip out this little mirror hold it up, and see my own face in it, instead of yours! I’m supposed to realize that I am really noticing my own buggy stuff, those things that tick me off, and then to suddenly be grateful for this knowledge and wonderful opportunity to tackle this and work on it.

So, it’s not actually about you at all, is it? You are merely the tool by which I get to face my own stuff and notice how abhorrent it is in my own eyes. No rationalizations, excuses or wishy wash stuff here. That’s because I don’t make all those allowances for you- the judgment comes flat out and face up. And then, whoosh, here’s the mirror, and that hardness is now aimed directly at my own countenance- it’s ME there in the mirror, not you. So where is the softness, the compassion towards all those difficulties? Maybe those come more easily along with the rationalizations, or perhaps they don’t come at all. Would I be softer with you, or softer with me? Most of us have a hard time being compassionate about our shortcomings. We are more inclined to beat ourselves up over them, and not feel very kindly towards ourselves at all. Perhaps if I knew it was about me, and not about you, I would be even tougher, and less forgiving. I think this is a place, then for some compassion- both for me and for you. Yes, I can work to change the bad trait, whatever it was that ticked me off in the first place. But I think it’s even more important to recognize that we are all, yup- you and me- just human beings, trekking onward and upward on our journey through life.

On "Crowded Days"

2010-01-21T01:07:00.004-05:00

From 24 Hours a day, Jan. 21:I will take the most crowded day without fear. I believe that G-d is with me and controlling all... I will not get worried, because I know that G-d is my helper. Underneath are the everlasting arms. I will rest in them, even though the day be full of things crowding in upon me ".

If I would read this statement every single morning, my life would feel very different; It would BE very different. Why do I let myself get caught up in frenzy and flurry, when I have learned already that I'm not in charge, not alone? Probably because I forget, simply forget -this amazing message.
It reminds me of a little sticker I had many years ago- "G-d , please remind me that nothing will happen to me today that you and I can't handle together."
If I can simply (did I say "SIMPLY"? ) keep this in mind, then no day should stress me. I should be able to stay with the knowledge that I am held and supported every single minute of my life, every single minute of my day. It will all work out exactly as it should. And if there are many challenges, then those are meant to guide and shape my growth today. I'm not in this alone. My HELPER is there with me, watching, cheering me on, waiting for me to do the right thing- the thing that will be the next stage in this life of growing and changing..... What a different start for a day.. what a different message on how to get through it all. Now, I hope that at least I will remember it for the next 24 hours !!

Fly Like a Homing Pigeon

2010-01-13T17:25:00.003-05:00

From 24 Hours s Day, Jan. 15:" As long as I get back to G-d and replenish my strength after each task, no work can be too much ".

There are several points suggested here: One is that seeking G-d is like recharging my batteries. I can "plug in" to this source of power daily , or nightly. I have that option and that source of energy available to me at all times. This also implies that G-d will accept me back whenever I come to Him. This is like coming "home", and just like a homing pigeon, I naturally know the way back. No matter how far away from home I may have strayed, I will be drawn back like a magnet, and G-d will always accept me.

The third point is that this re-enrgizing is all pervasive, and total. It changes hard work from " overwhelming labor" into something I can handle. It 's not that the work will dissapear, but the fact that I know that I have a place where I can curl up and feel safe when things feel too heavy, and that I will be held in my Father's strong arms like a little baby--- this is what changes things from being "too much", into something that I can manage; this is what makes life so different for me and helps me to go on from day to day. It's yours for the asking, too. In fact, you don't even have to ask. Just go for it. Follow your instinct and fly home to your loving Father, who is waiting to accept you with loving Arms.

Setting the Record Straight

2010-01-10T02:48:00.003-05:00

Wow. I see that I haven't written in a long time. How embarrasing! How do I just show up now all of a sudden, and start writing as if nothing has happened, as if no time has transpired. What excuses can I give, how can I rationalize my absence, how do I ....gulp... just begin without even saying a word about all this lost time?

These are all really good questions, and I can relate this pattern to many others in my life. I procrastinate about something, and then it just feels too uncomfortable to do anything to right the situation, so I just push it off until it gets more and more uncomfortable, and eventually just never do it at all. It's happened in some situations where I really have gotten myself stuck. For example, an old friend of the family passed away. I should have called, I should have visited. I didn't. But then, as time goes on, it seems silly, (and worse than that, very embarrasing, to say the least) to call or write now,,,, after all this time. So I just avoid. Yup, avoidance.I am as gulty as many others, of this character defect, or "coping mechanism". In other words, once I fall into a hole, I often dig myself in , deeper and deeper, until I can't climb out at all! The result- I am covered with lots of dirt, mess, and egg on my face.

Well, the truth is that nothing except laziness has gotten in my way of writing this blog- wanting to get the time right, the circumstance right, the words right- and then, the longer the time stretched on, the more uncomfortable it got for me to just get to it and begin again.

That's our program way, though, How do we get out of the holes, the dirt that we often dig ourselves into? Step Ten is a good one for this- "When you are wrong, promptly admit it." Admitting it helps us to get away from digging ourselves just deeper and deeper. We get a chance to say "whoops! I messed up here, and I'm truly sorry" . We get a chance to stop the downward spiral of avoidance.

So, here I am, saying "sorry. I messed up, I hope to be more diligent in the future, put my priorities straight ,and do something I really want and like to be doing, which is- writing this 12 step program blog on a regular basis. I may not be able to keep up with doing it daily, but I do want to do it often, It helps me, and some of you have written to say that it has helped you, as well. "

Now, that was much easier than I thought it would have been. How can I use this simple (but sometimes embarrasing) step in my real life? That is something that I will have to contemplate seriously. How about you? Do you have areas where getting straight, getting honest with your procrastination would be helpful to you?

The Blame Game

2009-12-17T00:50:00.003-05:00

"I relinquish the habit of blaming others for my shortcomings"

True, we are the product of our history. But what we make of it is up to us. If I take the attitude of "whatever happens to me is for the best", then I have to look at it differerntly; What shaped me is what was meant to be-I have a choice in whether to remain "raw material" or to make something positive of myself. Excuses don't work anymore, nor does blame. I can remain "a lump of clay" , or I can use my life's experiences to mold myself into what I wish to become..... my choice... always. But first things, first. Stop the blaming and make an effort to become what I truly wish to be. The sculptor takes a block of stone and carves it into a masterpiece. So can I.

Tuff-Stuff and Willingness to Let Go

2009-12-05T15:21:00.005-05:00

I recently had the opportunity to speak to someone about "the Program". "I'm against it", he said. When I tried to get him to elaborate on exactly what he was against, I realized that he had no idea of what the 12 Step Program really is. He thought it was about sobriety, about abstinence, about refraining from stuff that people don't really want to, or have to, give up. He thought it was about making people too dependant. He thought it was a shame that people are still going to meetings even years after they got clean.
My take is quite different: My program is about spirituality- learning how to trust in my HP, to believe in Him, and how to turn over my life and will to Him. It's as simple as "I can't, He can, I think I will let Him".

It's about learning how to live life without having to use something in order to deal with difficulties. It's about learning and incorporating a greater sense of serenity that comes with not having to worry about all the stuff of life, because I know that it's all there for a reason- that there's a Coach Who has planned out the game with the results already figured in; knowing that He knows the score before it even happens, and that He knows which are the best plays and players for each portion of the game, and each level of the game. Let go, and Let G-d, that's the secret to all of this.

The truth is, when life is viewed like this- with trust and faith, then fear falls way down, and courage rises way up.

That's a far cry from the way I used to live my life way back before program-in the time when I thought I was in charge of my life and everyone else's.

I'll take the new game plan any day- and just say "wise up" to those who think this program is simply about not "using" in order to get through the tuff-stuff in life.

No Arguments Here

2009-11-12T14:28:00.004-05:00

From 24 hours a day, Nov. 12: " It is not theological arguments that solve the problems of the questing soul, but the sincere cry of that questing soul to G-d for strength, and the certainty of that soul that the cry will be heard and answered".

I guess this is talking about faith and trust, those two words again. I will only cry out because I know that my cry will be heard. It's kind of like that saying "there are no atheists in foxholes". When push comes to shove the real test is whether or not we believe. I really think that the soul knows- just knows of its connection with G-d. All the intellectual arguments, and justifying and rationalizing that some people do, just to allow themselves permission to do as they wish- cannot stand up to how they feel way down deep inside.

Well, I guess I shouldn't talk about others, and can only really speak for myself.

My time to talk to G-d is usually just when I wake up or right before I sleep. Sometimes, also, while I am driving- instead of the cell phone, or the radio or a cd- or some other sort of distraction- connection- I choose instead to take that "alone time" for a one-on- one talk with my HP. I like to tell Him what's going on in my life (as if He didn't know!) from my own perspective. I like to tell Him of my troubles, and ask for help in solving them.

I know that this isn't like a shopping list, where I "order up " the things I need. I know that I am only asking for the things that my limited perspective makes me think are necessary.

I also know that He will send the solutions that REALLY fit, not the ones that I think will work.

But I guess the quote above is really about asking for the strength, the courage, and the wherewithall to carry on, no matter what happens. - to carry on, knowing that I am actually being carried on His Shoulders-.

Yeah, I like that image- just like the "footprints in the sand" poem. Knowing that I'm not alone- that the Coach is with me, while I'm carrying out my part of the plan- makes a whole world of difference.

So, it's not the time for arguments; It's the time for faith, for trust, and for the courage to carry on, even when things are tough, knowing that I'm not alone- never alone- and that bottom line, my soul is safe within my Higher Power's Hands.

The Masterpiece of Our Lives

2009-10-28T01:18:00.002-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Oct. 28: "I pray that I may not ask to see the distant scene. I pray that one step may be enough for me".

Essentially, the question here, is whether or not I trust that G-d is taking care of me. If I truly believe that He is watching over me, planning out my life in the way that is best for me, even if this involves challenges and struggles, then it's enough to live in the now. I have no need to worry about the future. I don't have to anticipate what is coming next, nor to stress about it. I can feel safe, no matter what, because I am like a baby in its mother's arms, not having to worry about the next meal. I do not have to ask 'what's next?" , but can take my time -right here, right now, in the very step I am taking and in the middle of. This doesn't mean that I can't plan for the future, but that I don't need to worry about it. Planning helps me to prepare that next step, but worrying trips me up before I even take it.

A famous example is the tapestry. On the back, it looks like a mess, with knots and clumps. But on the front, there may be a masterpiece- a magnificent picture. That's what our lives are like. To us, it often seems a mess- with stops and starts, with all sorts of knots and bungles. But to G-d, Who sees the true masterpiece of our lives, all of these little bits make up the complete picture of who and what we are meant to be, and will eventually become; all the little parts that make up the whole; When our lives are done, and we are in our final "home"- right next to G-d, then we will be able to look back and see the why's and wherefores of our lives- the purpose and reason for all our difficult challenges, and the whole picture. No longer will we question the challenges we faced, and why we had to go through them. In fact, we will be grateful for the things that made us who we were.

That is the trust, the faith- That there IS a magnificent picture and an Artist Who is designing it all. Only a fool would look at the back and question the purpose of all that mess.
So, back to the beginning. I hope that I'm not a fool. No point is worrying about the future, or wanting or needing to know it all before it happens, so as to allay my fears about it. With this faith, this trust, I can live in the now, and trust that Hashem, my Higher Power, is guiding me and watching me, one step at a time.

Phone Calls To My Higher Power

2009-10-19T01:36:00.003-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Oct. 19 :"I pray that I may trust G-d to answer my prayer as He sees fit. I pray that I may be content with whatever form that answer may take ".

There are three points here: The first is whether G-d hears me, the second is whether He answers me, and the third is whether I can accept whatever that answer is. The first two are up to Him, and the third is up to me. "karov Hashem lechol Korav, lechol asher yikrauhu b'emes". Well, I know that He is always near me when I call. The problem is on my end. D'you know what it's like when you call someone on the phone and you're not sure the call goes through? "Hello? Hello?" I know that I'm calling them, I know that I'm talking, but I can't hear anything on the other end. Sometimes I find out when I try a second time that they heard me perfectly, but I couldn't hear their response to me. It's a good idea not to curse loudly at the phone company when this happens, because the other person might actually be hearing every word. (Believe me, this HAS happened).So, in this case, it's a given that the "phone" line is actually working and G-d can hear every word that I say, especially in prayer to Him.
Next point, - how can I tell that He is answering my prayers if things aren't happening exactly the way I would like them to? A good point to make here, is that this world is not like a shopping list. G-d isn't "up there" to fulfill all my wishes, like some sort of Genie. It's not about what I want, or about what I think should happen. He has a plan for the world that might be totally opposite to the way I want things to be. So, my prayers aren't going to be answered my way, most of the time. That's why the best way for me to pray would probably be - to pray that He give me insight, that He give me help, that He help me understand myself and my life better, that He guide me in the right ways and to do His will. It's not about my shopping list, remember? I have enough proofs already in my life that He helps in the hard times and especially helps me to get through them.
The third point was sort of covered in the last one. Can I be content the way things work out, even if they don't work out my way? If I truly understand and accept that His plan is meant for my ultimate best, that the way things work out are the way they were meant to, and that in the long run it is all for my soul's benefit, then I can be satisfied and trust that He is running the world exactly as it should be run, and that His answers to my prayers are good, even when it's not so obvious to me, because my wishes weren't carried out to my specifications.
I guess it's all about trust and faith- G-d plan, G-d's timing, G-d's way, not mine. Good thing, because I mess up a good percentage of the time. And He's got it all figured out- just as it should be.

Choices and Actions

2009-10-12T04:34:00.003-04:00

From Easy Does It, Oct. 12 :" We all have a choice between widely separated alternatives. We can like ourselves, or hate ourselves. We can lift ourselves up or put ourselves down. We can be for ourselves or against ourselves. Actions, attitudes and thinking determine the direction of our choices".

I like this quote a lot. It reminds me that I am not just a victim of circumstances; that I can decide what my life will be like. There was a time when I was more comfortable just wallowing in the complaints and negatives- when it was easier just to take it all, and use it as an excuse for my behavior.
These days, though, I like having the understanding that there is a lot that is up to me. I can take the same lemons and make lemonade out of them, instead of complaining about their bitterness. I can make good out of the bad, or rather, I can see the good in every situation, instead of viewing it as "all bad".
Every thing that happens in my life is there for a reason. Everything is there to challenge me to grow- to develop, to learn, to help others. There is no "bad", persay, when I can recognize that my Higher Power put it there for me- for some reason- some purpose, and that ultimately, He only has my good in mind- my best in mind. What's there is there in order to enhance my soul and achieve its purpose in this world.
That's a far cry from kvetching and complaining, and just wallowing in the pity pot of "poor me".
Ahh. So what can I do with all of this today? I can look at things differently, I can have a positive attitude (even an 'attitude of gratitude'), and I can choose the right path and good decisions and actions.
Just thinking in this way gives me the "oomph", the "push" to get going and get doing. Sounds like a plan- a good one, in fact.
".

Awe and Gladness

2009-09-23T10:26:00.004-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Sept. 23 : " When you are faced with a problem beyond your strength, you must turn to G-d by an act of faith... Not only the power to face trials, but also the comfort and joy of G-d's nearness and companionship are yours for the asking."

Lately I've been hearing from people who want proof of G-d's existence and G-d's caring. I told them that the proof will only reach to a point, but after that, you will need to take a leap of faith. At some stage you will have to dip deep inside of your heart and ask yourself what you feel, what you believe, and then just "go" with it. That is the faith, and it can bring both power and comfort and joy. In the book "A Sanctuary in My Heart", it says that it would be a good idea for us to realize that there is only one true Friend, one Companion, that we will have with us throughout our life's journey, both in this world and the next. This is G-d. So it's a good idea to get acquainted and make G-d our buddy. He is the only one who will never leave us; family members and friends die, or may go off in their own direction.

I am thinking of this as we draw near to Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. Although I do approach the day with some trepidation and with awe, I also realize that Hashem, G-d, is both my loving Father, as well as the Judge Who has the power to forgive me for my failures and sins. He wants my best, and even though year after year, I may confess to the same sins, He still keeps taking me back and believing that I can make changes. To me, it often seems like I haven't budged, and am still promising to fix the same things that I keep promising to do every year. But, the truth is , He is a Judge with a very fine "eye" and can actually see the sometimes minuscule progress that I have made. He can see into my heart and ascertain that I really DO want to be better; that I really DO want to grow.

A human judge might just see the overview, and say "yeah, I've heard THAT one before". But G-d has ultimate patience and kindness and makes room for the one who really desires to change.
This is good. This is the comfort that we can take in being close to G-d, in believing and in trusting that as our Loving Father, He will accept our meager efforts, slow as they might be, to improve ourselves and to grow and change along with, and FROM, the challenges we face, day by day. In fact, that's just the point in sending us challenges in our lives: they help us to grow. Just like the hurdle jumper, who begins jumping over small hurdles, and soon builds us the muscle power to easily jump the many larger hurdles, we too, grow and get stronger from working through the challenges we face.
So, yes, it's the day of AWE, and I am filled with AWE, as I contemplate standing before my Maker, my Judge, but most importantly, I remember that He is also my Loving Father, Who truly wants whats best for me.

It's Okay

2009-09-21T14:07:00.002-04:00

Sept. 22: From the Big Book of AA, pg.521: “I finally have the freedom of believing that it’s all right not to know”.

I like this line, which is the last line in one of the stories.
It’s all right not to know, not to have all the answers; not to be the great solution-maker. It’s all right not to be able to solve everything, and to be able to step back and say: “Hashem will take care of this, I’ve done whatever I can”. To some people, this may seem scary, but actually it is quite freeing to be able to say :”I don’t have to know ; I don’t have to solve”; to be able to let go of this great pressure to always perform, know, be successful. It’s all right to say “I can’t, but Hashem can.” It’s okay to just let down my guard and relax, not trying to fake something I don’t really have, or can’t really do.

My old sponsor used to say: “You’re okay, it’s okay”. This is the soothing that I probably looked for in addictive behaviors and substances; the soothing to feel okay, to calm down the inner turmoil and loneliness. It’s like a father holding a little child in his arms and saying: “it’s okay, you’re okay. Daddy’s here and things will be good”. That what we have in our 12 step program with our Higher Power- holding us and saying: “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of things. I’ll take care of you. Things will be okay, don’t worry anymore”.
Yeah, I like that, I really really do.

A Critical Point

2009-09-16T00:27:00.005-04:00

" I release the "shoulds" and judgments of my inner critic"....I was reading in a 12 step book (called "Step by Step) about the "inner parent- critic", how it's formed, and how, although it's meant to guide us, it can often restrict us unneccesarily.

This got me thinking: Are the inner parent and inner critic the same, or different from each other? Well, I believe they are both quite different from the "yetzer Hatov", which is the good inclination. The yetzer Hatov is here to guide and direct us; the inner parent can often be way too critical and judgmental.

How can I listen to its (inner parent) good messages without getting too caught up in the negative part? How can I hear the positive part without buying into the rest?

I think the first way is by becoming aware that these messages are amost being "spoken" to me; they are not facts or givens, but rather, are pieces of "advice" offered, often automatically, by some inner part of me, who learned about the "proper way" from somewhere- be it from my own parents, teachers, or some place long forgotten.

I always get the chance and also the choice, to listen to, or else, to ignore, this advice. If I stop long enough to get off of auto pilot and weigh the message, then I can choose either to follow it or not, to buy into it, or not.

When it comes to the Yetzer Hatov, I think it's mostly good- this is the positive part of my soul, that really does set me straight.

That's different from the inner parent , who wants what IT thinks is good for me. But because it's sometimes "off" on what it thinks might be best, it can push me around in order to get that "best" thing accomplished. All of the "shoulds" and demands of this critic-parent can get me to do things that aren't always in my best interests, and can make me feel pretty lousy about myself in the process (and also afterwards).

(Now, the yetzer harah, the bad inclination , on the other hand, is almost always out to steer me wrong, sometimes trying to get me to believe that its advice is in my best interests, but that's a whole different story, and maybe for another post sometime in the future.)

So how can I catch these messages before I jump and follow them? Just like the kid who's about to cross a busy street- I need to "stop, look, and listen" more often and more carefully. This keeps me safer and whole. No need to walk out in front of a truck. Listening to the wrong messages and following their advice isn't much different than that. Good image, and well worth remembering , that's for sure!

Hopeless to Hopeful

2009-09-11T01:04:00.008-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Sept. 11: " The grace of G-d is that power which enables a human being to change from a useless, hopeless individual to a useful normal person".

It's embarrasing for me to hear this kind of talk sometimes. Not because I don't believe it, but because it's amazingly true for me. The embarrasing part is that first expression : " a useless, hopeless individual". Well, it's only embarrasing because of how perfectly that describes who I was before I began working my 12 Step Program. The "hopeless" part isnt quite so painful, because somehow, it doesn't feel like this was my fault. The "useless" part feels to me like I should have done things differently; like somehow I was to blame because I was so useless- I should have made myself, no- forced myself to be better.
The good news is that actually, I did- even though it took me a heck of a long time to do so. That's what happens, though- someone who is feeling hopeless has a really hard time mustering up the strength, the courage, and even the wisdom- to know how to change things and change themselves.
Ahhh- so now we are getting to the best part; the Big Secret; the magic wand- part of it all; the reason why we can't get out of that rut so easily: BECAUSE WE CAN'T DO IT ON OUR OWN! The secret is that we need the "grace of G-d" for this; we need Higher Power- Hashem's help, Hashem's strength, Hashem's love to put things in place- to put ourselves back on track and turn ourselves from useless to useful, from hopeless to hopeful. This "grace" is always there, waiting for us, but we need to let it in, in order for it to "work it's magic".
Well, I'm certainly glad that happened for me- and that's the understatement of the year!
My life changed when I began to work program, when I realized my Higher Power- Hashem's presence in my life, and decided to "let Him in". I surely went from useless to useful, from hopeless to hopeful.
My life is so different now. I have purpose, reason, strength of conviction, and courage. I feel good about myself and good about my life. I do good things more easily, and more willingly.I do good things- really good things. I trust and believe that I am guided throughout my day and my life. I believe that I am taken care of and nurtured by my Loving Father. If that's not the "grace of G-d", I'm not sure what is!

Going and Growing

2009-09-07T00:57:00.003-04:00

Okay, Okay, Now how do I get back to my blog? It's been a long and hectic summer, and of course, even though I was pretty busy, I don't have much more than an excuse as to why I haven't written here for so long. Guilty as charged. But guilt is not really a great motivator. Yeah, it nags at us, pulls at us, makes us feel all sorry and regretful; makes us feel like we should start shaping up or shipping out; makes us feel (at least ME) like a poor excuse for a human being.

So what is wrong with all that? Well, not much different from someone who is using something to get "high" or "happy" with- food, drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, gambling, or any of the other addictive substances or behaviors available to man (or woman)these days. Someone can take a good look at themselves, and say - "hey, I shouldn't be doing this. I'm really sorry that I've gotten caught up in this stuff". But it's not enough. D'you know why?

William Goldberg (I am not sure who he is/was , but this quote from him is a great one) said "I have never seen a person grow or change in a constructive direction when motivated by guilt, shame, and or hate".

This means that guilt alone is really not enough. I need to feel sorry, but not necessarily guilty. And, as we learn, both from program, and from the way we are supposed to feel/behave at this time of year, before Rosh Hashana, before the Day of Judgement. WE are supposed to take a good look at our behavior, at ourselves, and decide to stop doing the things we ought not to be doing, but also to make a resolution towards change for the future. Sure, we can be sorry for things we have done- like in the 9th step, when we apologize to those whom we've harmed, but then we also need to "make an amends", which means to take on ourselves the willingness and the plan, to behave differently in the future. In hebrew it's known as "kabolah al h'asid (h'atid), and when we stand on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, it's not enough to say "sorry", but we also need to say "from now on I'll be different".

So guilt is not really the way to go. Instead, when we look at our past mistakes and think forward and upward and all about change- this is a positive move, not a negative pounding on our own heads. That's why guilt, shame and hate don't really work towards change , or towards "growth" , like Goldberg said. Growth means moving upwards and forwards- i.e. changing, and this is the way to go when it comes to building new ways and new life-paths for ourselves. Going and growing....

So, yeah, I'm sorry that I haven't written for a while- a good, long while, but I do plan to get back and get going and growing forward in the future- and the future starts right now!!

Glad to be back here with you guys!!

Mover and Shaker

2009-08-02T05:50:00.006-04:00

From 24 hours a day, August 1: "You should strive for a union between your purposes in life and purposes of the Divine Principle directing the universe. There is no bond of union on earth to compare with the union between a human soul and G-d".

There are times when I wonder why I struggle so much. Mostly it's because I am fighting against what is happening, not wanting it to occur, not wanting it to continue, or not wanting it to be so bad- simply put, I am fighting against reality. Even more simply put- I am fighting against the way G-d wants things to be. So, how futile is that? What could be more useless than to fight against G-d's reality?

I would be better off to get in tune with what is, than to try to change it to "what isn't". Looking at it in much broader terms, life eventually works out much better (even though it doesn't always seem that way to me at the tme) when it goes according to Hashem's plan and not according to mine. I can't even imagine what a mess the world would be in if I were the one who was running it!

So, here's the plan: adapt my will to the will of G-d, instead of trying to convince Him to change things to the way I would like them. In fact, I think that most of the time, when we try to change things, we actually leave Him out of the picture, entirely. I need to always remember that He is the Prime Mover and Shaker.

Rav Mordechai of Lechovitz said : "If your life is not as you will it, adapt your will to your life".

Sounds like a great plan!

Waiting For the Proper Time

2009-06-26T10:39:00.000-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, June 26: “There is a proper time for everything. I must learn not to do things at the wrong time, that is, before I am ready or before conditions are right”.

So how am I supposed to learn this? I am an impulsive, compulsive person- always jumping in and saying or doing what I later feel is “the wrong thing”. Well, sometimes, it might actually be the right thing, but at the wrong time. I can remember many instances where I just jumped in and said or did something, and then it backfired.

Some of those things might have been quite effective had I waited a bit before acting. In fact, I might have had a chance to think some more instead of just reacting and flying into action, and then I might have behaved quite differently.

Hmmm. So what can help me here? How can I learn restraint- which is basically what we are referring to. Think of the marathon runner who begins a race before warming up, or before training enough. Will he finish among the first guys? Not much chance.

So what helps? Sitting with what is, and turning to my Higher Power to ask for guidance, and to ask for help. I think the impulsiveness has to do with not being able to wait for a change, or else, with not being able to stand things as they are.

Lately I’ve been doing this- on long drives in my car, I’ve been taking the time to talk to my Higher Power instead of my telephone (or instead of listening to my cd’s, mp3’s or the radio) I’ve been taking the time to say what’s on my mind and in my heart- to share with my Higher Power, Who is my friend, my Father, my guide. I simply tell Him what’s been happening and ask for His help. Sometimes I just want to fill Him in on my life. Oh yes, of course, He already knows this, but I’ve learned through Torah sources that He wants to hear it directly from Me.

If you would have told me years ago that I’d be doing something like that, I think I would have laughed at you- or maybe at the picture of me doing this. But you know what? It’s no laughing matter. It’s probably the sanest thing I’ve done in a long time.

Taking the time and space to connect like this before reacting to life is the way that I can teach myself to wait until conditions are right, or till I am ready to act. It’s the way to teach myself to act, not to react. It’s the way I can practice just “being” with the situation, no matter how uncomfortable or urgent it seems, without having to respond or fly ahead into something I’ll be sorry for later.

So, like everything else in my life, taking the time, and using my inner wisdom to connect with my Creator, and listen to the way He is guiding me, will help me get my life in order, my act together. King Solomon said it a long time ago. There is a time for everything. Today I pray that I will have the patience to wait until He lets me know that it’s that right time, instead of impulsively jumping into waters that are too hot, or even too cold for me….or before I’ve even put my swimsuit on.

But the secret is, even in this “waiting”, I am not alone. I am being led.

No Small Stuff

2009-06-21T02:49:00.002-04:00

From Keep Sobriety, Find Serenity, June 19: “Some say- Don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff; A better guide is- “You may not be able to stop the birds of sadness from flying over your head, but you don’t have to let them nest in your hair”.

Yeah- I like that- life is often pretty difficult, and it’s a lie to say it isn’t. It’s a lie to say- “nah, that was easy”. I could never understand how some people can lie to themselves (and others) like that- “I’m cool, I can handle this”….. Well, sometimes I can’t. Not by myself, anyhow. It’s good to know that I’m not alone in anything- that my Higher Power is here holding me through most (what- most? ALL!) of life’s difficulties. Problem is, I didn’t always realize this while things were going on. It’s only in retrospect that I “got it”- …. “got “ meaning – “understood”. Because He was always there, even when I didn’t realize it. In fact, THAT is what got me through it- the very fact that I wasn’t in “IT” (whatever the tragedy of the month was) by myself.

These days, my understanding and awareness is kinda different. Most of the time I’m aware of His presence. I’m aware that I’m not on my own; that I don’t have to handle all the trials and tribulations of my life by myself. I think that’s what must have helped Abraham, the Patriarch, get through His ten trials. First, he recognized G-d, then he realized that G-d was with him through everything, watching him and helping him to handle the trials. He realized that the trails were “tests” that he was being given- by Someone, for Some reason. That didn’t take them away, but it certainly helped him get through them.

So, thank G-d, my life hasn’t been like Abraham’s, but it hasn’t been a piece of cake either. And, had I realized all along (like Abraham did) that these were tests I was being given, by Someone, for Some reason, and that I wasn’t really going through them on my own…. Well, I think things might have been a bit different, maybe even a bit easier, than they were.

So, where does that put me now? It’s clear that I hope I’m not tested again in a big way. Who would want to be? But I hope that throughout whatever life will still bring me (till 120 years) I will keep my awareness of the “truths” (as mentioned above) real obvious and clear in my mind-….. “ie. “We hold these truths to be self evident”… (sound familiar to you Americans?) - that G-d is watching over me at all times, (not just “watching me”, but “watching OVER me”), and that whatever happens is meant to happen, for a good reason, at this time, at this place, and to ME.
That kind of thinking and believing helps- it really really does.

Living Life in the Margins

2009-06-15T15:56:00.004-04:00

From The Promise of A New Day, June 15 :How often we say, 'I don't have the time for__' meaning our marriages, our friends, our children, our hobbies, our parents, ourselves. Just what is important anyway?...Some people seem to do everything in the margins of their lives, without thinking, or knowing much about it.... their attention always seems to be somewhere else..... And sometimes , in the middle of our lives, the preoccupation clears..... 'what have I gotten myself into!' ".

Wow. These days I think that I am living my life consciously- doing the things that are important to me, both personally and professionally; meeting with friends and family and making things matter; taking the time to be with those I care about- study the things that will move me ahead, connect with meaningful things and those who are important to me; connecting with my Higher Power and making positive choices.

I was not always like this. Not so long ago I was caught up in trying to spin my wheels endlessly; pursuing nonsense and meaningless ends. Then I found my 12 Step Program; Then I found a wonderful connection with my Higher Power and with myself; a connection with wonderful friends and peers who know where I was and what my world was like, because they lived in similar whirlpools of their own making; like me, they found their way out of the maze and into a wonderful and meaningful new life.

I am grateful; I am much happier; I am relieved that there is a Higher Power Who saved me from myself- Who was able and willing to do for me what I could not do for myself. I Thank G-d for His grace and kindness and for leading me out of the hole I was in, and directly to my 12 Step Program .....and straight into His arms.

I'm committed. and you're the witness

2009-06-10T04:28:00.006-04:00

From Twenty Four Hours a Day, June 9:" We had a soul-sickness, a revulsion against ourselves and against our way of living.... we must try to make a union between our purposes and the purposes of G-d ".

I can finally look back and see my BP (before program) person as "someone else", not me. I was very different in those days- the days before I began to connect with my Higher Power. But it took a very important step for me to get this way- First, I had to become totally disgusted with myself, and become unwilling to continue the way I was going. Then, I had to turn toward my Higher Power and ask Him to help me get out of the mess I was in. On my own, I couldn't do this. I am remembering how I literally broke down in tears and begged Him for help.

This kind of G-d connection is the one that is the most powerful in effecting change- but unfortunately, it's also the one that I don't call upon, or use, often enough.
And there it is, right in the palm of my hands- right on my lips- anytime I want to make use of it. I don't need any special tools, or equipment, don't need any special venue/place, don't need any special clothing or artifacts.... and yet.....I don't often take advantage of this miraculous power- tool that I own.

How silly! How self- defeating! What is it that stands in my way?

Back then, when I used it to climb out of the hole I had dug for myself, I enjoyed the fruits of His help.
But now, when I sometimes still struggle against the daily drone and drudge of life I don't remember (or am maybe a bit unwilling?) to just speak to Him clearly and plaintively and ask for His help once again. I don't get it, do you? I'm not back in that hole anymore, but being human, I still struggle.

There are times when I wonder if I might be a bit angry at Him for something, or if maybe I am back in that place where I mistakenly believe that I can be self- sufficient, and therefore won't humble myself to ask Him for help.
Well, by talking about it here, quite openly , I am certainly chipping away at whatever resistance I might be harboring...Ugh.

Okay, so, now I will get a grip on myself and face the music, ask myself what it is that is getting in my way, and make a public (well, as public as I can be in an anonymous blog) commitment to do some straight talking to my Higher Power on a regular basis. Am I biting off more than I can chew? I think not.

So, let me say that I will commit to talking straight out (but silently) either in writing or verbally, to my HP at LEAST every other day. (this leaves me some leeway, which I probably should NOT be giving myself).
So, you are my witness, and I hope you hold me to this. I want you to. I want to get back to that place where Hashem is my constant Companion, my Friend, and my Father, and where I can feel comfortable to tell Him whatever I want to or need to.
Okay, Higher Power- You've got it now. I'm back.

Two Wrongs are Right? Since When?

2009-06-07T03:51:00.004-04:00

From The Promise of a New Day, June 7 : " We've all known people to whom it was terribly important that they always be right. Perhaps some of us Are those people, at least part of the time.....When we think this way, it is well to wonder how it is that we are right, while everyone else is wrong. We may find that our behavior is based not on rational thinking but on fear- the fear that if we relinquish control even for a moment, we'll fall into chaos".

Gulp. Who caught me out here? That was me, a while ago- needing to be right. I hope that I've changed somewhat in this- because it's not pleasant to watch someone who is always shouting down the other, in their desperate "need" to be right, or to have the last word.
The scary part of this is the real reason behind this "need", this fear, that is mentioned above.
What will happen if I am wrong? What will happen if you don't agree with me, or see my point? Will I cease to exist?

In order for me to accept the possibility that's it's okay to be wrong, first I need to accept that I am just a fallible human being, like everyone else. Just like the other person can be "wrong", so can I, and it doesn't really matter, because it doesn't speak a holy truth about my essense. Being wrong is just fine, being human is even finer.

I never thought of myself as a perfectionist, but this "fear thing" is a whole different ballgame. What was I so afraid of? If I was wrong, would it mean that I don't have a right to exist? Eerily, I think something like this was all mixed up in my head.

These days, though, since I've been working my 12 Step Program- all the parts, including the G-d connection, the sobriety/abstinence, and the steps- I am no longer worried about whether or not I have a right to be here, and to be ME. I know that I have a place , and a purpose. I know that my Higher Power is watching over me and sending me tasks to do, and a mission to fulfill. That makes me important in His Eyes as well as in my own.
So, this fear of 'not being worthy unless I am right' no longer drives me. I can hear what you have to say, and not agree. I can have my own opinion, and not insist that you agree with it, or adapt to it.
That is very liberating. As much as some people might argue that having some sort of mission in life is a form of slavery, or "forced labor", I would say that knowing that I am an important cog in the wheel of life, an important part of the worlds' makeup, and that right now only I can fill this role, actually makes me feel like I have a major reason to be here.

So, to get back to the quote mentioned above, there is no chaos when there is a definite plan, and that's why 'fear and faith are still mutually exclusive'. Whether I am right or wrong won't make any major difference in how the world runs, and it no longer sends me into a whirlwind of needing to prove my point. Agreeing to disagree is just fine for me these days.

Onward and Upward

2009-06-05T09:22:00.002-04:00

From Seek Sobriety, Find Serenity, June 5: "A person does something foolish, which has irreversible consequences, and he cannot forgive himself. In one of Charles Schulz's brilliant cartoon strips, Charlie Brown explains that he cannot do anything about the future because he is 'still trying to make yesterday better.' Engaging in a 'pity party', bemoaning the past, is a cop-out, whereby a person tries to avoid the challenges of the present and the future".

Yup, I can sure relate to that one- literally ruminating over the past, like a cow re-chewing its food after it brings it up from its stomach. Yuck. I've been no better, the times when I've wasted hours going over and over old stuff instead of heading onward and upward. I guess the serenity prayer helps with this one- to accept the things I cannot change, and the past is certainly one of these things.

It's all about picking up the pieces, dropping the great package of imaginary repercussions of our actions and mistakes, as well as the real ones, and just moving on. Life is too short for us to get stuck in all the regrets, like piles of mud or cow droppings and then sitting down right there in the middle of it all.
We need to check out the reality of what is, whether it's good or bad, and then just keep going right ahead into the future, despite it all.

Sometimes, in fact, this past situation actually leads us into our new future. Think of all the folks who take their own disability or loss or even mistakes and then recreate their lives with a new passion for finding solutions for others with this very same problem.

Whether it's illness, mistakes, or even sin, there is always a way up out of the gutter or mud -pile. The trick is not to settle right down into it and have a 'pity party'. The trick is to stand up straight and tall, regrets and all, and look yourself in the eye, grab hold of your Higher Power's Hand tightly for support, and head on forward and upward into the future.

A Positive Shift

2009-06-02T03:59:00.003-04:00

Step 6- June- Were entirely ready to have God remove all my defects of character.

I am looking at this from several directions; The 12 Step view is to be willing to give up our character defects , and have G-d remove these. The Jewish way is to look at these same traits another way, and see how they can be used for positive gains. Being without any negative traits would make me no different from an angel. G-d has plenty of those, and He created me as a human being, fully equipped with both positive and negative inclinations.

I ask myself these questions: Why was I given this challenge? How am I meant to use it? How can I turn it around? What am I meant to learn from this trait? For example, if I am quick to anger, perhaps I should be using this zealousness to gain positive aims.

I find it hard to simply expect Hashem to remove it. I think He gave it to me for a reason. Of course, the point of whether I am ready to give it up is still the same, from both viewpoints.

I get to ask myself some more questions: Why do I hold onto the negative traits? What am I gaining from keeping these? What do they do for me? Do I imagine that they protect me in some way? What would I be like without my anger? What would I be giving up if I let go of it?

These are all possible directions for useful reflection.

My being willing to give up the negative aspect, and perhaps explore the positive side, is what the Jewish way of the "perfection goal" wants from me.

If I have a certain trait, there is a reason for this- something I am meant to learn, to grow from.

What I do know, is that there IS a plan here for me. The willingness to learn and grow from this is the part I have to cultivate; the willingness to have my Higher Power shift my perspective so that I can use the same traits in a postive way is what I am asking for, I believe, in step 6.

Just having the whole trait removed would be counterproductive . Learning how to redirect and grow from this new way of using the old trait is the goal of it all for me.

Beam Me In, Not Up

2009-05-27T04:32:00.004-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, May 27: " My life cannot flower into success and helpfulness unless it is rooted in a strong faith, or unless it feels deeply secure in the goodness and purpose of the universe".

It's important for me to feel that I am doing my Higher Power's will, that I am headed in the direction that He wants, that my purpose matches His. These things just feel "right" to me, quite different from the times when I am just bumbling about, looking to find pleasure, or following the lead of pride. That stuff isn't success at all; in fact, usually afterwards, I just feel bad about it. Hashem's way feels good, feels right, feels purposeful.

I think that this is because my Higher Power embeds "hints" into the correct choices. Somehow we just "know" that we are doing the right thing. Why else does it feel good to give charity, to help the needy, to reach out and support a friend at their time of need. We are "clicking in" to the rightness, the "hint" that He puts out there for us. It's kind of like a magnet- when we align our own magnetic receptor with the magnetic "beam", we are drawn in by its pull. It's as if G-d has prepared this beam so that we will connect with it and recognize it whenever and wherever it is available.

When I am deeply rooted in this faith, when it is foremost in my day and in my life, then my purpose and my actions are on the right track. When I have first honed in onto this "magnetic beam", it's a sure bet that my helpfulness, and in fact, my very being, will be secure and successful.

Keep on keeping on!

2009-05-26T01:06:00.003-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, May 22 : "Constantly claim G-d's strength.... You can claim all the strength you need to meet any situation. You can claim a new supply when your own supply is exhausted ".

I have been wanting to write about this ever since I read it a few days ago. I think this is one of the readings that really encouraged me.

Sometimes it feels like I can't take a situation- that I just can't handle it anymore; whether it is the mental pain, or the physical pain, or the sheer inability to change matters. This is the time when I am feeling exhausted, worn out, or simply overwhelmed. This is the time to connect with my Higher Power and absorb some of His love, His strength. This is the time when it can literally uplift me and give me hope and the willingness to go on. It is like a power-charger, renewing and refreshing my energy and my ability to keep on keeping on!

When I have been recharged, then I can continue on with whatever has to be done, knowing that not only has Hashem given me new strength, but also, that He is with me, holding my hand, and guiding me through whatever it is that has to be endured.

Contemplation

2009-05-13T00:37:00.003-04:00

I haven't been writing on my blog, and maybe some of you are wondering where I've been. No, I haven't been taking a long trip to some exotic spot, nor, Thank G-d, have I been involved in some mysterious, and soon-to-be-famous incident. What I have been doing, though, is contemplating my life, and where I am going. Lot's of soul searching going on here.
Don't get me wrong- I have no doubts about either my religion or my 12 Step program. I guess I am searching in my soul and putting things into place. Contemplating life, you might say.
It's interesting, though, that in a recent theoretical model about change, contemplation is an important step. According to Prochaska and Diclemente, there are 5 stages of change (sometimes they list 6)- Precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. Before anyone makes changes they go through these, and believe me, they sure make a lot of sense. Precontemplation is the time before the person will admit there even is a problem- they kind of go bumbling about their life, making excuses for whatever is going on, wondering why things seem hopeless (maybe this is the rock bottom that addicts need to hit before beginning the process of giving up their drug of choice). Then comes the contemplation stage- where they "want to stop feeling so stuck", though not knowing exactly what it's all about- just knowing there is something they don't like about the current situation. Next comes the Preparation stage- where the person is getting ready to change something, then come action, and maintenance.
So, I guess I've been hanging out in the contemplation and preparation stages, after admtting to myself that something is going on, and that there are things about myself and my life that I would like to change, and sort of getting ready to make some changes.

That's about as much of the details that I will share here- but using this change model is a good way to explain just what's been going on with me and my blog, and why I haven't written for a while. Of course, there is also the perfectly fine excuse that I've been kind of busy with all sorts of stuff I've taken on recently.

But I actually don't think that excuse holds much water in light of the fact that I like this blog and I like the opportunity to write, and had hoped that starting this blog would kind of encourage me to do some solid program -writing, which is a good tool for me in my Program work.

Okay, so here you've got the truth; lots of contemplation, some preparation, and now I think I'm ready to take some action steps.
Sounds like a plan, doesn't it?

Caring and Sharing

2009-05-01T10:46:00.002-04:00

From 24 Hours a Day, May 1: " The real meaning of the word chairity is to care enough about other people to really want to help them."

Before I joined my 12 Step program, I don't think I could honestly say that I cared all that much about helping others. If truth be told, I'm not sure that I CARED all that much about others at all- forget about the helping part!

Addiction is like that; It kind of clouds the mind, leaving no room for anyt hing or any one else- other than the "Drug Of Choice"- whatever it is we addicts use to soothe ourselves with. That comes first and foremost- i.e. I feel bad, hurt,lonely, scared, worried, etc, and this object (be it alcohol, drugs, food, sex, shopping, gambling, etc) makes me feel better....Ahhhhhh, now I can relax...... until the guilt hits, that is, and then we just dip into our "pot of gold" (our substance bucket) again, to make us feel better from this secondary issue/ problem (the guilt, the remorse, the promises of 'I'll never do this again').

Where is there room in all that for thinking about others, much less- helping them?!
There isn't, actually.

Working a Program, and getting sober/abstinent is the way that we clear out the mess of this cyclical pattern- the feeling, the substance- using, the guilt, and the re-using.

Once the cycle is broken, we suddenly see the light, see the others, and our natural, G-d given instinct of wanting to help other people in their struggles, comes to the fore.

Call it charity, call it loving, call it sharing, call it helping- the words don't really matter so much.
My point is- Program allows us to find that place of helpfulness and caring, right there inside of ourselves, inside of our own hearts, where it was hiding, all covered up, the whole time.

Keeping the Memory Very Green

2009-04-21T15:00:00.002-04:00

From Twenty Four Hours a Day, April 21: When I stop to think that but for the grace of G-d I might be drunk right now, I can't help feeling humble....When I think of the kind of person I was not so long ago, when I think of the person I left behind me, I have nothing to be proud of. Am I grateful and humble?".

There's nothing like remembering the past for humility. I am not proud of who I was, but I feel good about who I am now. There is a program saying: "Keep the memory green". This means that it's all too easy to forget what we were like before program, and feel super- haughty about all that we've accomplished, sometimes in a very short time. But remembering where we were, and remembering what it took to get to the place we're now in- is a sure way to keep that "memory green". It's important, too, because we "program folks" don't fool ourselves into thinking that we can't lose all the ground we've gained, and go slip-sliding right back down the hill, and into that old slimy , dark hole again.

In the Promises, we read: "We will not forget the past, nor wish to shut the door on it".
That's because we've learned from our past. We've learned to value the changes, and remember what it was like. We've learned that we can even grow from our trials and tribulations, and that we wouldn't be where we are without them. That's an awful lot of learning, and a lot of wisdom.

But knowing how easily we could end up right back where we began keeps us from getting haughty or showy about it.
What this leaves us with is a lot of gratitude, and a whole package of humility.

Sometimes I need a push to remember to be grateful for everything my Higher Power has done for me. Last night, my sponsor gave me that push. She reminded me that even when things seem down, there is much more good in my life, and much more to be grateful about than to cry and kvetch about.
So, I hope to end my day with thoughts of gratitude, thoughts of gladness, thoughts of feeling Happy, Joyous and Free from the tyranny of addiction.

Joyous Freedom From Slavery!

2009-04-12T06:40:00.004-04:00

Passover-This is my favorite holiday of the year, when it comes to the spiritual message- being released from slavery to freedom.

As a recovering addict, I know what it means to be enslaved to something. I know what it means to be stuck, not even realizing that you have a problem. The Jewish slaves in Egypt began to think that things were good- that this was the way it was supposed to be. They forgot what freedom was like. They forgot what it was like to have a choice.
Someone who is really entrapped by a substance or by a behavior, whether it is drink, drugs, food, sex, shopping., internet use, etc- (it really doesn't matter what the substance is, because the problem is all the same) cannot get away from it, and often doesn't realize that he even has a problem with this. Usually it is his/her family member or friend who becomes aware of the "entrapment" first.

The slaves in Egypt liked the watermelon, the pheasants they were eating at the end of their work day. They forgot that there was once a time and place where they were worked tending their own flocks and fended for themselves. They began to think that this food they got was good, and their way of life was the way things were supposed to be. They forgot what it was like to serve a Master of their choice (G-d) instead of working hard for Pharoah.
That's what it's like when one is enslaved. You get used to it. You forget there was/is another way.
In fact, they viewed Moshe (Moses) and Aaron his brother as troublemakers for upsetting their applecart (way of life), The addict doesn't like people who point his addiction out, either.
But what a difference when one can finally break the hold of this substance and return to the choice of a free life- the action of choosing to connect instead with the true Master of us all! That's why the newly -freed slaves marched gladly through the bed of the sea, as the waters froze above them, revilling in their new freedom. Only a freed slave can know what this is like, and breaking free from an addictive substance's hold is no different.

What a miracle it is to finally be free! I, for one, am so grateful for this!!

Judging From the Sound of Things

2009-04-05T14:57:00.003-04:00

From Easy Does It, April 5 : " I'm slipping when I accept certain faults in myself, but I don't accept them in other people" anonymous..... "I don't want to judge anybody, including myself. Let me learn to be forgiving and tolerant."

It's a good thing that this included the line about "myself". There are two ways that we usually go about this: either we are tolerant of our own faults but critical of everyone else's , or else we are critical of ourselves, but tolerant of other people. Either way, we are doing a disservice.

Basically, it goes like this- I'm not here to check up on you, or to completely dis myself and everything about me. It serves no purpose in life to do this, because all it does is make me unhappy with my life and with you.

What then should I/we do? Well, I don't know about you, but I feel a lot better when I know that no one is watching over my shoulder and checking out my every move. Although if I think about it, I know in my heart that everything I'm doing is recorded up in heaven, and will someday be played back for me (gulp) , most of the time I don't think much about this, if at all.

On the other hand, why is it fair for me to be keeping a checklist of someone else's faults? Who does that help? How does it improve my relationships with others? How does it make them want to be with me or around me? Obviously, it doesn't, as no one wants a "monitor", constantly checking up on them.

And what about myself? What good does it do to hang around myself , judging everything I did as a failure, or a mistake, or even, as a sin? Well, on the one hand, it might be good for me to know when I err, so that next time I can do better, and correct myself. But, on the other hand, leaning over my back with a whip and constantly chastising myself does me no good. Why should I even want to get out of bed when I know that this is what will be awaiting me during the course of my day?

You get the picture. Judgment for judgment's sake is a no no. It's not something that does anyone any good. It's not a favor, it's not a kindness, no matter who says "I'm doing this for your own good". Or, "this hurts me more than it hurts you", "I'm only trying to help". "I have your best interests at heart". "I'm telling you this because I love you", or any of those funny sounding comments.

Giving rebuke is not the same as judgment, and there is a proper time and place for that, when it comes from the right source.
Otherwise, judgment is something that is better left in courts, or even up in the Higher Court (meaning G-d's judgment).

So, for today, I think I'll try to let go of all judgment, and work on acceptance, love and compassion. Sounds a lot softer, even just by the lilt and flow of the words. And if I can do this for others, I will try to practice this kind of stuff on little old me, as well, You know what? I deserve it. And I'll just bet that you do, too!

Stop Stumbling and Open Your Eyes

2009-03-31T06:22:00.003-04:00

From Twenty Four Hours a Day, March 31: " When climbing a steep hill, a person is often more conscious of the weakness of his stumbling feet than of the view, the grandeur, oar even of the upward progress".

Yes, it so easy to see my own mistakes and forget about all the good things that I do. I can discount all the positives when I come across a single negative. This self-judgment and criticism often extends to others and to the outside world. I don't always view them with such rosy glasses, either.

Fortunately, G-d sees things differently. Today's "meditation" also has a quote that I didn't print here-: "G-d does not judge by outward appearance, He judges by the heart. " That means that He knows what our intentions are, even when we trip over our own feet. He knows when we mean well, when we wish well to others, when we are being selfless even if it might appear on the outside that we are being selfish. He is also forgiving of mistakes, in a way that we don't always allow ourselves to be. Whew. That is a relief- because if He was half as tough on us as we are on ourselves, we would really be in big trouble.

So, let's look around at the beauty, the grandeur, of life. Let's see all the good we have accomplished so far, and especially let's look at the compassion and kindness for others that lives in our hearts, even when it is sometimes blocked out by our craving and striving for our own comforts. Let's not discount the good and focus only on the bad. Let's "fa-gin" ourselves a bit (be compassionate and "allowing" ourselves) and maybe, let's find a place of compassion and love for ourselves inside of our own hearts as well.

If we are truly created in the image of G-d, then we can do no less than this for ourselves. Let's look in the mirror and see the grandeur and beauty of the life He has given us, and let's begin to treasure ourselves and appreciate ourselves, and remember that we are His children, and we deserve some of this positive energy just as much as the other person does. Easier said than done, but well worth the effort. I can promise you that. .... You deserve it.

Hang On Tight!

2009-03-25T05:30:00.008-04:00

From Easy Does It, March 25 : "We come to understand time in a different way. Each day we discover that there is an order to life that is only revealed day-to-day.... Today I will remember that rather than fighting time, I will become time's passenger ".

One of the first sayings I learned when I came into the 12 step program was - "in G-d's time, not ours". I couldn't understand what it meant then. It took a while, (like so many of the other program wisdom) for it to sink in.A typical addict (and I certainly was one) wants "what I want right now". No patience, great impulsivity, jumping right in without thinking too much about consequences, etc.

If things don't happen on his schedule, he freaks out- pushing and shoving everything and everyone in order to get it done his way, and quickly.Unfortunately, though, the world doesn't work quite like that. Hashem (G-d) has His own timetable of what is supposed to happen when.

When I think back on my life (and I'm not all thaaaat old) I can recall many things that eventually happened, but that didn't happen when I wanted them to. It takes a lot of trust and a lot of patience to be able to say - I guess that wasn't the right time for it. The trust is in a Higher Power Who knows better, knows all, sees all; a Higher Power Who knows when /and if the right time is here.

The trust is - believing with a full heart that whatever happens, does happen exactly as it is supposed to , and for the best, in fact- for MY best.And then, there are the many things that never happened at all , according to the way I would have planned them. In that case, the trust is also needed- to trust that it just was not the right thing for that situation.

How many of us can look back on the past and the way they wanted things to turn out, and see in retrospect, that the ways in which things actually DID end up were "oh so much better" than anything they could have orchestrated?Whew.

So that's what program teaches us- patience, trust, and especially faith in One Who really knows how to run the world (in contrast to most of us who only think we do!)

There are so many sayings about time- tempest fugits- time is flying; time and tide wait for no man; killing time; wasting time; time-savers; you can't turn back the hands of time... etc.I like this one- though I don't know its actual source- but it seems to get the message of today's blog across: Who forces time is pushed back by time; who yields to time finds time on his side. ~The Talmud

I think the message is pretty clear, though. We don't own time. We can't make time, we can't save time, we can't even hold onto time.Time is simply the "place" in which we live our lives- it's the background, and therefore, all we can do is live our lives with the knowledge of time passing behind us, sort of in our shadows... as we go about our days. It is the vehicle for our "currentness" in this world.

That's why I like the idea mentioned here- "Today I will remember that rather than fighting time, I will become time's passenger " mmmm. It gets me thinking. Hang on tight for the ride!!!

Who's Reading the Instructions?

2009-03-20T00:36:00.003-04:00

From Easy Does It, March 20 : " Act as if..... We were never able to think our way into recovery. Our minds created a tremendous amount of trouble for us. We needed to turn our minds down (not off). We soon discovered the difference between doing and thinking.... The key to 'acting as if ..... is faith"

We hear so much about this concept- "just do it ".... "mitoch shelo lishma, bah lishma-" ... loosely translated: at first you won't have the purpose, then it will come). .... Do the action, without worrying or thinking so much. It will slowly sink in and become a reality. Show up and do the motions,,,, etc. etc.

I agree that this is very difficult to do without real faith. Practicing mindfulness meditations, which teach one how to just notice and let go, is one of the ways to become less attached to things, to outcomes. But I believe that faith is the real key, here. Even if we are able to loosen up and let go of outcomes, it doesn't feel so comfortable, unless you know, really KNOW in your heart, that everything will be taken care of by a Higher Power. All the efforts in the world do not actually PRODUCE the results; what they do, is set the stage so that the desired results MIGHT occur. But MAKING them occur is something that is not in our hands. Even a ball that is dropped will not hit the ground, unless Hashem wants it to. We all know stories about things that went totally "wrong" even though all contingencies "seem" to have been covered. We all also know stories about things that "miraculously" went much "righter" than we would have imagined.

If one believes that this is all happenstance, the world can truly be an upsetting, or even, a frightening place. But if one trusts and believes that there IS a Power that is controlling all this, and controlling it with our best needs in mind (even when this is not easily apparent), then there is a strong sense, rather, a KNOWING, of confidence in this "letting go" of the "pushing" for results.

The mistake we could easily fall into if we didn't have this faith, is to belief that the results are in our hands. That can become scary, because of all our striving and pushing to make things happen the way we want, or believe, they should happen. But the opposite is also true: when we trust, have faith, and truly believe that things will happen just as they "should" happen, that what "happens" is truly for our best, that "Someone" is watching over the whole deal, then the result is a tremendous sense of calm, and even relief , for us.

"Ahhh. It's okay.... It will be okay..... I'll be okay......It's not my job...... He'll take care of it...... " Whew.

I think a big part of this faith entails our "asking" for His help, not just relying on it. Perhaps this is part of our "effort" piece, the part that enables us to just let go of the results.- Why? because in this way, we are adding to the delusion/illusion that we are in charge. After all, "I asked Him to help me", so I can feel like I really did something to effect the results. The trick is , that we also have to let go of our idea of what the results are supposed to be. Yeah, that's the big trick here- the magic piece of the puzzle.

This doesn't mean that we should stop making our efforts, doing our part. The trouble is, people get mixed up about what their "part" is supposed to be. Just do what's in front of you, ,and ask for His help, and for the courage to be able to trust.

So, trust and faith are the key to being able to just chill out with all the world's problems. Look, we can walk around in a frenzy or panic that things aren't going to happen the way I want/believe/hope/strive for them to be. Or we can do our efforts, and then let go of our plan for the results, and trust that Someone who has actually "read all the instructions" will make things turn out exactly as they are supposed to.

What a relief!

Blowing My Own Horn

2009-03-17T15:59:00.004-04:00

From Twenty Four Hours a Day, March 17: " When the soul finds its home of rest in G-d, then it is that real life begins.Only when you are calm and serene can you do good work. Emotional upsets make you useless.... Calmness is based on complete trust in G-d."

Well, that explains why I didn't feel too great when I "lost it" the other night. I used to have a bad temper all the time. I think I blew my stack more often than not. But it's been a really long time since I "flew off the handle". A really long time. That's why it felt so strange to be right back in the place after all this time. I wonder if the person I was with realized that this is so out of character for me these days. It used to be right IN character, and boy, was I some character back then.

I think that's why I was so shaken up by it.I thought about it a lot afterwards- about what pushed my buttons. I think I figured it out too. It doesn't need to be reported here, but it's good for me to have the awareness.

It's the episode that's important here. Even though I used to be angry a lot of the time, this time was quite different; This time, instead of just feeling bad afterwards, I was able to sort of "watch myself" as it was happening. I watched, and was aware, but I still couldn't stop it. That was a bit scary to me. I think part of what was scariest was recognizing my old self.
Now, don't get me wrong, here. I don't miss that old self one bit. In fact, I'd be thrilled if she never, ever returned. But even after all this time, she was still quite familiar to me, and that's what was so scary.
I don't want to be back in that place where I used to "live". I don't want that life back, and I don't want that personality back. I'm much happier these days, and I take this as a red light- a warning sign, that I could easily fall back into old tapes and old patterns.

I know that I need to "stick with the program" if I want to retain what I've gained over these years - my 12 Step Program, that is. I need to stick with my tools, with my readings, with my sponsor, and especially with my Higher Power. I need to stick like glue.

A shake up like this can hammer home the importance of working my program all the time, with all my efforts.
If I trust in my Higher Power, I mean really trust, then great things can happen. Well, think of it this way, it's been a really long time since I've had an experience like this. And that's a good thing. So, despite the warning sign, despite the fact that I need to keep my awareness up, still , I do have a lot to be grateful for. And that's the truth.

Bite The Bullet

2009-03-16T15:38:00.002-04:00

From Twenty Four Hours a Day, March 16: "I must have a singleness of purpose to do my part in G-d's work... I pray that I may not become distracted by material affairs. I pray that I may concentrate on doing what I can do best".

Okay, I admit it. I've been lax in writing here lately. I've been too busy, too caught up in my day to day responsibilities. But what about my commitment to writing this blog? What about my commitment to writing "to save my life"? That's what I consider my "program writing" to be. It keeps me connected to my 12 step program. It helps me to "12-step" others (which means - to share my program with others who could benefit from it). It reminds me of my connection with my Higher Power. It reminds me of one of the most important things in my life.

So, how can I "become lax" in doing it? Well, not only am I a 'recovering addict", but I'm also something of a procrastinator. That means that the longer I push off writing, the harder it is for me to get back into it. In fact, it's kind of embarrasing now to face "you", the reader, and 'fess up to my absence.

Fortunately, though, working program has taught me that there is no "easier softer" way. Sometimes I just need to forge ahead and do what must be done.

Now, don't get me wrong- I love writing, and I love writing this blog. And I love knowing that it also helps other people. I love getting your letters and comments, and I'm glad that I'm not alone in trudging the road "to happy destiny" along with you. So, it's well worth "biting the bullet", and getting right back into the swing of things. Just because I haven't been writing, Excuses just don't cut it, so I won't offer any. All I can say to myself is " welcome back, friend!"

Let Him In, Please.

2009-03-02T04:44:00.003-05:00

From Step Three, in The 12 Steps of AA" We can have faith, yet keep G-d out of our lives."

How do we let Him in? How do we turn our will and lives over to the care of G-d, as we understand Him?

There is a famous Jewish quote; "Open up for Me an opening (doorway) the size of a pinhole, and I will open for you an opening the size of a whole world". Hashem (G-d) is there, here, everywhere, waiting for us to let Him in,. But mostly we are too stubborn, wanting our own way, pushing for our own plan to happen- doing this so blindly, that we don't make the space for Him.

I think that most of my own anxiety and stress comes from having my plans thwarted, and , then feeling frustrated, I can get angry, or even panicky.

What a difference it makes to just let go, and to say with conviction- 'things are happening just as Hashem wants them to... whatever is happening now is actually and ultimately for my best, even though I don't see this clearly right now'.

If I trust, if I truly believe in this, then everything shifts at that point; no more reason to fight or struggle against reality. It's not my way, but clearly, my way wasn't the best course for life to take right now, since that's not the way it turned out.

Letting Hashem in , means allowing myself to connect to HIm, as well as recognizing His Hand in my daily life. It means turning to Him with my problems and sorrows, with my gratitude and my joy. It means making Him an active, and a central part of my life. It means bending my will so that I do not fight for my way, but rather, accept His way as the best way. It means allowing myself to be a tool for His work.

For today, may I have the willingingess, the wisdom, and the strength to do all this.

Adar- Happiness and Joy?

2009-02-23T23:15:00.003-05:00

Rosh Chodesh Adar 2009-
The month of Adar brings happiness and joy-
This is good for all those who are still searching for that illusive happiness. I see that books on happiness are very popular, especially now with all the financial crises in the world. So how are we supposed to be happy, anyway? How do we look around at all the terror, poverty, cruelty and feel happy?

I think this all depends on whether we think the world is a haphazard place , where chaos reigns and where life randomly chooses which tragedy will fall on which person's head. If, however, we view life differently- if we believe that there is a Master plan, and a Master Who is doing all this planning, then things can be quite different for us.

Lately, in those few seconds when my mind clears from all its busyness and chatter, I've chosen to direct my thoughts to G-d and try to "instant message" Him. For those few seconds, I say "Hi- I want to check in", or "Hi- this is what's going on in my life, and this is what I need from You now". Or even "please show me what You want from me today". It's a very grounding thing for me to do, and my trust and faith that this is not a futile or empty exercise makes this a very strengthening tool for me, as well. I can almost feel that "click" of knowing that I flipped the light switch, and responsively, the light went on.

Having this connection, knowing that Hashem (my Higher Power) is in charge, turns life and the world into a much calmer place. Knowing that whatever He does is for the good, and that He has my best interests at heart, can actually bring that simcha, that happiness to me. Knowing that I have no need to worry, no need to fear, brings relief and joy. Knowing that I have the ability to call on Him whenever I wish, brings me power and strength.

This time of year, when spring is beginning to wink at us, is a natural "body warmer" and "heart-warmer" as well. When it comes with the sure awareness that I am loved, that I am safe in my Father's arms no matter what happens in my life(even when it seems to be negative) brings a sense of peace, serenity, and even happiness.

Mmm. Did you notice how Happiness doesn't seem so illusive anymore? Welcome Adar!!!!

Trust and Remember

2009-02-22T09:32:00.003-05:00

From 24 Hours a Day, Feb. 22 : " I must trust G-d's love. It will never fail me, but I must learn not to fail IT by my doubts and fears."

The problems all start for me when I doubt my Higher Power's love and help. When I forget, or even when I actively doubt that He is there for me, I set myself up for loneliness, failure and fear. When I am strong and trusting in His presence, His love, His help, then there is nothing for me to be afraid of- there is no reason for me to worry, and certainly no reason to feel like I am alone.

I wish there was a more tangible way for me to feel all this, so that it would not slip away from me so often and so easily. But, being human, I am prone to letting my worries take over and cloud my vision, even blocking out the "invisible truths" that accompany me throughout my daily path. When this is blocked, I trudge through the day, feeling like the world is resting on my shoulders. But when my sight is clear, I skip and fly through my day, knowing and feeling clearly that Hashem (my Higher Power) is accompanying me and assisting me, no matter what I have to deal with on that day.

What a difference in attitude, and what a difference in feelings on those two very different sorts of days! Perhaps, if I keep in mind the process of returning my soul to Him every night, and how He sends it back to me the next day, refreshed and purified, I might remember this, and cherish it more during my days. Perhaps that is why I thank Him the very first thing every morning for sending it back, so that I can wake up whole , with both body and soul together, each and every day. Perhaps when I say this prayer of thanks "modeh ani", I should also ask Him to remind me gently throughout the day, of His presence. I'm not quite sure how to go about this, but I do believe it is a good plan.

G-d will never fail to be with me, but all too often , I guess I must be failing Him, because I don't keep Him first and foremost in my mind.
G-d is my Father, my Friend, my Guide, and my Master, and He will never fail me. I pray that I will not fail Him, and will remember all the good that He sends me and brings me throughout my every day, and throughout my entire life.

"If Only You'd Try Harder...."

2009-02-20T08:19:00.003-05:00

From Seek Sobriety, Find Serenity, Feb. 20: " It is not the discovery of our defects that is frightening, but the discovery of our strengths and skills....Why?.... Being aware of our potential imposes the responsibility of accomplishing things...Don't be afraid to discover the good within yourself. You will ultimately enjoy it ".

I grew up with constant messages of "if only you would try harder, you could do so much.... you have such great potential". The problem with that kind of message was that it actually kept hammering in the point that I was failing, I was a loser. Although those who gave me that message must have meant well, what they were doing was giving me the opposite message. They probably meant to encourage me, but instead they discouraged me. "If only you would......you really could...." doesn't really boost someone, it tells them how disappointed you actually are with them.

There's gotta be a better way to build someone up, to help them see how much better they would feel about themselves if they were fulfilling their true potential. But telling them how they are missing the boat just can't be the way to do it. For me, the message of having great potential, but blowing all my chances at it, only made me feel like a real loser. That soon propelled me into looking for ways to make myself feel better, and we all know how troublesome that can be.

So, here I am, years later, with a good deal of 12 step program behind me, (and within me) and having learned that I am pretty capable of good stuff. I learned it on my own, the hard way, lots of sweat, and lots of tears, and lots of hard work . Mostly I learned it from getting through life's challenges and coming out the winning side. I learned from the mistakes, from the trials and errors, from the rock-bottom stink at the bottom of the trench.

Okay, okay, maybe this sounds too flowery, but the message is the same: learning from my mistakes and from my challenges showed me just how much I AM capable of, and taught me that - yeah,- I can be successful at some pretty cool stuff. But Program has also taught me that I didn't do it alone, and that my Higher Power has been with me all this time, not only supporting me, but also helping me to get through it all.

So, the message of today's reading- that facing my "honest moral inventory" is sometimes scary - not because it shows me all my defects, but because it shows me just how much I really CAN accomplish in this world, makes me stop and think. Does the responsibility that this entails also scare me? Well, not any more. Could be that way back when I first did my 4th step it did, but I soon learned that doing a 4th step means looking for the good stuff, and not just the bad.

My life (and yours!) was given so that I could get some serious work done here on earth. Yeah, that IS a responsibility, but that's why I'm here- so it's time I get working on my job. (You , too. )
Is that scary? Not when I have the Greatest Coach on my team, right here beside me, to help and encourage me. Do You know what He says to me most often? "You go, girl! I'm right here with you!"
Now that's encouragement!

Spirtual Gifts of the Program

2009-02-19T15:08:00.003-05:00

From The Promise of A New Day, Feb. 19 :" How we appear in others' eyes can become an obsession. Do they see me as I see myself? Or do they see the Real Me- and is that worse, or better?.....if we esteem ourselves, we won't worry about others' opinions.... Our main concern is our own spiritual growth- and it will be the key to how we are perceived ".

I used to worry a lot about this- mostly my worries were that if anyone knew the REAL me, they would run the other way. I wasn't so concerned about their getting me correctly- in fact, that was what scared me the most. Then, when I got into program, I learned that "what other people think of me is none of my business".

Well, of course, I worked hard on straightening myself out, so that I could look myself in the eye ( in the mirror) and smile. And then I finally got the point that I kept hearing in meetings- that the most important thing of all was to be straight with myself and with my Higher Power- to do His will, and live the way I thought He wanted me to live. My 12 Step Program helped me with that, and so did the Torah, in that it gave me an upstanding code of living like a mentsch (proper human being).

Once I know that I am "right" with myself and with G-d, it doesn't really concern me what others think about me. Sure, sometimes it stings when it looks like someone doesn't like me, or is displeased with me; but it doesn't govern my behavior at that point. Not everyone has to like me and not everyone has to accept me. That's not my standard these days. Being "right " with my Higher Power and myself- my true self - is the way I conduct myself now.

Could it be that I've also developed some self esteem along the way? Sounds like it, but that was never my aim in all this program stuff. It sure is a great by-product, though, certainly for someone who couldn't stand herself in the years before program. Just one more gift of this wonderful 12 step program to add to the whole basket- full of gifts I've already amassed along the way! Super!

Turning it Over

2009-02-18T05:32:00.004-05:00

From 24 Hours a day, Feb. 18 : " It is not the passionate appeal that gains the Divine attention as much as the quiet placing of the difficulty and worry in the divine Hands. So I will trust G-d like a child who places its tangled skein of wool int the hands of a loving mother to unravel ".

G-d wants us to trust in Him and to turn our difficulties and problems over to Him. One of my favorite program sayings is: If you pray, don't worry, and if you worry, don't pray. This means that if you really believe He is taking care of you, there's absolutely no reason to worry or fret about things. No need for stressing out in anticipation of the future, shaking in your boots out of worry.... etc.

The quote above suggests that G-d likes when we "handing over" our problems this way, with the confidence of knowing that they will be taken care of, better than the screaming and begging that most of us do more frequently.

I love the old tale of the peasant who would stop before entering his hut and hang little papers on the tree outside. Someone asked him what he was doing, and he answered- I am giving my problems over to G-d so He will take care of them, and this way I can have a calm heart and quiet evening with my family.

That's the way we should do it, too- just like it says in the third step of the 12 step program- Turned our lives and will over to the care of a loving G-d as we understood Him.
It's not just the problems that we turn over, but our entire lives and our worries about how they will turn out, and also our will. This means that we recognize that we are here on earth to do His wishes, and should not be trying to control things on our own, or to make them turn out according to OUR plans.

This is one of the most important steps, in my opinion, and is the basis for my own program. ( Steps 1 -2-3- in a nutshell- I can't, G-d can, I think I will let Him)
Learning how to do this was a turning point for me (good pun, huh?) and enables me to live a much more serene life, without all that tremendous frantic worry.
"Turning it over" is another one of those great Program phrases that I love.

Think about it: Who is better equipped to deal with all that negative stuff and worry- me or my Higher Power? He wins , hands down. I wasn't doing such a great job running the world anyhow. I think I'll let Him take it all. whew. I feel so much better already.

Big Stuff, Little Stuff

2009-02-12T15:49:00.003-05:00

Many people talk about not wanting to bother G-d with all of their little problems." I do pray", they say, "but only for the really important things. I would never dare to ask for little, unimportant things, like passing a test, finding the keys I lost, or help with getting that appointment I really wanted on Monday".

I think they are missing the point. If G-d is our Father, why would we be disturbing Him? Wouldn't a father want his son or daughter to keep in contact so that He would be the one that they turned to when they needed something?

Before I joined the 12 step program, I was amazed whenever I heard someone speak in a different way- . A friend said that she would ask her Higher Power for help when she drove to the city. Another friend said she would tell G-d about her bills so that He would send the correct amount of money that month. I thought they were loonies. Why not save 'the big guns" for when you really needed high-power help? I wouldn't want to waste my chances on "unimportant" things. Like- if you had some "pull" with the big judge, would you waste it on a parking ticket, or save it for a big court defense?

I found out, though , that with G-d, this is different. And that's because He wants us to approach Him and cement our connection as often as possible. He welcomes all our attempts at connecting, and wants us to keep calling and hanging around. Not only that, but because He is intricately involved in our day-to day matters, He likes the fact that we ask for help in the details. Look at it this way- if even a tiny cell has all the parts that keep it fed, multiplying and connecting with other cells, G-d is clearly interested in all the minute intricacies of our lives. To Him, there is no small stuff, and He wants us to connect with Him whenever we need something, as well as whenever we're grateful for things.

People, on the other hand, might get annoyed or perturbed if we called too often, or bothered them with all the picayune pieces we needed help with.

But that's where Hashem, my Higher Power, is different. After being in the 12 Step Program for years, I think I've finally figured this out. These days, I don't believe that I am BOTHERING G-d when I approach Him any time or day or night for any request or need I might have. No big stuff, or small stuff differentiation. Any time, rain or shine , I know that I can call, or even whisper and get a direct line of connection. What power we have right here in our little hearts and mouths. Now isn't that something!

My Two Warning Signals

2009-02-09T04:22:00.003-05:00

From The Big Book of AA, pg. 438-: "I withdrew and began to block out the reality around me- if I could pretend it didn't exist, it might go away.... that's the way my drinking began- as a way to make the pain go away.....pg. 441 - I fell to the ground and moaned- 'Oh G-d! Please help me!'- today I know it was then that He took over my life".

There was a point in my life when I did this very same thing. I realized that I could not bear it if my life would continue as it was going. It was then, that I literally cried out to Hashem (my HP), just as this fellow did. That was when the wheels began moving, and Hashem stepped in and took over my life- making changes, and pushing me in a direction that is continuing even today. In addition, at various intervals I am blessed by having the opportunity and privilege of connecting with Him again and again. I don't always make proper use or take advantage of this connection (much to my own embarrassment and sense of "blowing it") but it feels good to know that it is there for me when I remember to check in with Him.

For me, addiction began as a way to soothe the pain and loneliness. It kept me busy, and made me feel better. Those continue to be two warning signals to me that I am in potential danger. Time isn't something to kill- it's a gift- so when I get the urge to do something that will "keep me busy" and make me "feel better", I know that I have to watch out, or I will soon be in big trouble.
I thank G-d that I have tools today and other ways of working with this in a much more healthy manner. I thank G-d that I have my 12 Step Program today.